GEMINI

Thank god for good friends. If it wasn’t for my good friend I wouldn’t have a part-time job. Well, I am sure I could go out and look for a job, something that works into my schedule, but it is so much easier when it is just dropped in your lap.

My friend bought a funky Ice Cream/Treat store last year and recognized that her dear friend was going a bit looney at home. I am a people person and I need people. Lots and lots of people. If I could have people at my house everyday…..I would.

So due to shitty weather business is rather slow, we just opened up this week. Spring and Summer will be a hectic mess, no worries that we will not remain busy through out the warm months.

So I am sitting here in this little shop with nothing to do but think. And the good lord and my friends know that I can over think anything. I am very good at it. That should be my job. I would be a wealthy lady. Sadly, worrying and thinking does not bring in an income, and all it does is give me back pain and headaches, but it is what I do. It is who I am.

I have always wondered am I the way I am because I am a Gemini, because I am bi-polar (undiagnosed), have ADD, just don’t give a rats ass, or I am just fucking crazy! I would actually go with all of the above.

I can over analyze and over think anything, my marriage, my life, my choices, my sexuality, my laundry, my past decisions, shall I continue? I could over analyze a rock if you give me enough time. Hence, why I don’t sleep much. But today I am blaming all my habits, good or bad on my birthday. 🙂

What Now?

This morning was the second morning in a row, where I bent over to get some socks, and I started to cry. Yes, if you saw all of the unfolded socks we have in this house, you would cry too. But that is not the reason.

My father-in-law passed away about 4 weeks ago now. And my husband has a big bag of his socks in the closet. I have been wearing them. Yesterday I bent over to grab some and the tears just fell. Wondering if I properly mourned my father-in-law. I am thinking not.

Ironic, the light bulb has been out for about 6 months, the one outside by the basketball hoop. I almost said to my husband last night, I am just going to call you dad and have him change it. Thank god I didn’t say that, but it was my first thought. And my son said to me last night that when he and his dad were driving home from Freshman Baseball Try Outs and he was not cut from the team last night. my husband said, let’s call you grandpa and tell him. How sad that must of been. When you no longer have that person you are used to calling when something is going good in your life, really sucks.

My husband doesn’t talk about his dad’s death and he never has. He never talked about his mom dying 8 months earlier. He doesn’t talk about anything. At least not to me. And you know what is funny? I can talk about anything and everything, just not to him. I think we are more alike than I care to admit. Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?

Although I am having these sad thoughts of my father-in-law, and feeling bad for  my husband, that does not discredit the fact that I am still super pissed over the fact that the man has made NO comment regarding my letter I enclosed in his over night bag on Friday. I know he read the damn thing. My guess is, he knows I am just blowing smoke up his ass, because I have no options at the moment. I don’t even care what he thinks about the letter. I just once want him to say, I read your letter and I hear what you are saying, I don’t have to understand, but I hear you. Seriously, is that to much for ask for? Some sort of acknowledgement would be greatly appreciated. I have a loud voice, but I don’t have a voice in this house. I was robbed of it several years ago.

I think that is why, (although I am great and loyal friend), I am also a needy one. Meaning, I need some sort of reassurance that you hear me and you are not going to leave or just you do not give two shits about what I have to say.

That is why I love Facebook. I am working on three pages. I love the reassurance and the little boost that the fans give me. What I don’t get from my spouse, I get from the feedback on the pages. Well, I get everything but sex. And if I figure out how to do that, I will let you know. The people I have met on this FB  journey has been well worth the fights my husband I have over the computer and the time I spend on it.

Oh look a squirrel…..

This is day number 4 of my job, my first official week is almost done. I enjoy getting out of the house, I do. I hate leaving my dog, he sleeps all day anyway, but I like when he sleeps next to me on the couch 😉 I hate that my kids have to actually walk  home from school. Yesterday was a snow day, so there is snow, but the streets are clear. We don’t live far from the school, but I feel guilty that they have to walk.

With me saying I am upset over my father-in-laws death, and even the stupidity of my husband. I am really trying to think positive and think of a few good things that I have to look forward to. That always puts me in a good mood.

I may get to go to Vegas in July and see some high school friends. Our reunions are such hits, we keep having them every couple of years, this time it will have just been a year. I have a very good friend who I have come to love and adore who is moving to OH (we met on FB!) I can NOT wait to meet her. And I have another woman whose FB page I work on now and we have come fast friends, and we hope to meet soon as well.

I have all my kids Spring sports to look forward to. Love me some baseball, softball, and soccer! And I know it is snowy outside today, but I realize that April will be here before we know it, which means May is quick to follow. Love May and what is signifies. Besides the fact that it means I am becoming a year older, it means that Mr. Sun will shortly make his appearance for a few months.

The summer makes me happy. Even in times of despair or pain, I will smile if the sun is out. So for now I will just wing it. I may have to live in a pretend world for a little while longer. I am sadly used to it, so it won’t be hard. I will have to formulate some kind of plan where I can put what little money I am making away, so I can start a nest egg (again!) This will be my third attempt. I need something to fall back on if the shit hits the fan. At this rate the chances of anything catching me are slim to none 😉

I have been told by several good friends that I need counseling. I don’t want counseling. I don’t want to admit out loud some things that are floating thru this crazy head of mine. I am scared, and lost and don’t know what to do. But I will do what I know how to do. And the Academy Award for the Best Actress in a Drama/Comedy goes to……………ME!

But I do know that I have to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I am getting used to wearing a mask. I will tell you this though, they itch and are difficult to wear when you are wearing your glasses. 🙂 🙂

I had a dream!

I had a very real dream last night. And the strange part is, I rarely dream. I only have nightmares. But my nightmares are not your regular boogie man kind. I am a time freak, I am never late. So my nightmares consist of me…. trying to get somewhere, but I can’t. I am running late and having a panic attack and I usually wake up feeling very stressed and frustrated.

But I woke up this morning feeling like I had seen someone in person in my dream. And this person isn’t dead, or at least not to my knowledge. I sent her a message this morning via Facebook, just to make sure. I am hoping to hear back soon. And the only reason I thought she was dead was because you hear so many stories of people seeing or talking to their loved ones in their dreams. Although I would hope if I was to have this  experience it would be a meaningful conversation. This was just silly nonsense. We had not seen each other in a while, she was hugging me like she normally would, she is like two-sided tape, she sticks to ya:-) And she wouldn’t stop talking. I have no idea what the hell she was saying. I was trying to have a conversation with someone else, but she just kept yapping, (damn I miss that yap!). Had I slept longer I am sure by the end she would of been singing. The hug just felt real. Weird. I over analyze, I know. Maybe I just miss that person (she would be one of many!) Possibly I just need some attention. Or maybe a real hug!

I miss not having my pup in the house. I have walked into my family room three times this morning looking for him. He really is the only constant in my life. He is not on deaths door….if I don’t pay his vet fees I may be 😉

Good god, what is my problem this morning? I woke up after that weird dream thinking of yesterday and how much fun all the kids had (and the mess they made did not thrill me, but that is okay!) But than I am all emotional and weepy and I hate it.

Yes, you can remind me that I recently said I didn’t like the fact that nothing has been bothering me lately. It is a no win situation with me. I am Gemini….I have an excuse! Shit, I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a slave, and I live in a State that is not always sunny. I am not talking only about my place of residence, but also my State of mind. I guess that is my excuse! I am female……hear me bitch!

Okay, enough of this bullshit. I do not want to do this today. I have things to do. I may even take a walk, which would be weird without my dog, I would feel like I am cheating on him. I don’t even like to walk. What am I talking about? The treadmill is one thing. A walk outside alone, not me! But who is me?

Guess what? I am “Bringing Crazy Back”, and as much as I hate it, I kind of like it. Don’t judge. And I will do the same!

~Peace~

I had children because why????

Well, yesterday my 12 year old (middle child) sarcastic spawn got in a disagreement with his father and I over something very very important……Pot Roast! Yes, people you heard it here first. There are starving children in in the world (and yes he mentioned this to me as well because I keep harping on him about this issue.)

But this stubborn little pain in my ass would not eat his dinner. He flat out refused. He fought me tooth and nail. It ended up in a fighting match. It was like Tyson v. Holyfield….. minus the ear biting. He is the most stubborn individual I have ever met besides his father. And although I certainly do not agree on his tactics, I applaud him on his tenacity. But god help me I wanted to back hand him into tomorrow.

I took away his video games and his phone for 24 hours (thought that was safer than physical abuse) and I was told I was the meanest mom in the world. I hated him and I always stand up for the other two kids. Apparently I hate him and he must be adopted. I told him yes you were, he said well that explains a lot. I said you are welcome to run away but leave me your cell phone please! He literally sat at the table for over an hour, I think he ate most of his food, some of the carrots ended up on the floor….on accident (my ass!)

This was not a big plate. People would kill for a roast, potatoes, carrots and rolls. 3 carrots (now to be honest I hate them too!) I told him they are good for his eyesight. Than I realized he is the only one out of the 5 of us who doesn’t wear glasses…LOL! Not a very good analogy mom:-0

When did my 10 1/2 year old daughter suddenly turn into a Mother Hen. What the hell? Was I this annoying? I think not! Seriously, I wasn’t. My sister, yes, me….not so much!! If there was an Academy Award for eye rolling and hip shaking, she would win hands down. If not for lead actress in a comedy/drama, then supporting actress for sure. She is so damn bossy, and snippy, and emotional, and loves to tattle on her brothers. Oh yeah, and she recently has taken it upon herself to point out all  my faults. Thank you daughter, I am acutely aware of them. She told my doctor I had mental problems. Can we say MORTIFIED??? She is a Tom Boy trying to become a young woman and it is like she is battling her inner self. 2 Faces of Eve so to speak. Good Lord sounds like me. She is a Cancer sign though and I am the ever wacky Gemini. I do feel sorry for her because honestly her brothers are very mean to her as of late, but at times she does deserve it. It sucks watching your kids argue and fight and fight and argue! UGH!!!

Since I am on a roll I may as well bitch about my older son. Although he has surprised me lately. For the longest time we did not get along. We are both Geminis and I was basically battling myself and all of my demons. I was irritated that he was so much like me, and I didn’t want him to turn out like me. I want him to have confidence and stand proud. I think he is slowly doing that. He is not so withdrawn, he is more affectionate with me, and he talks more. He is mowing grass for money and shows an interest in fixing things like his dad. For example dirt bikes, lawn mowers, etc. He will make a good husband.

But really if I had to do it all again…..I honestly think I would of had the dog first and possibly no children. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and would die for them. But a dog is so quiet and loves you despite your flaws and annoying habits and they just want love and attention. So yeah, if I could go back in time, I would be single, with a dog. Not married perhaps (maybe involved with someone, maybe not!)

Seriously, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Well……..I am sure given enough time I would come up with something.

I don’t get my computer on Tuesdays so I won’t be able to write anything. Damn, what will I do?

Wishing you all a great evening! Peace xoxo

Everyone has a Story (part 2)

Why I have this obsessive need to explain myself I do not know. For those that know me, you can brush over this second post. I guess for the people that actually might be reading this I feel that you should know my story so you can get a grasp of what the hell I am talking about in my current life.

I believe I left off at the age 18 and being discharged from the NAVY. I often wonder how my life would of turned out had I made it through boot camp. I may have been in Desert Storm (my husband was!)

Not that I want to announce this to the universe, but I was a good girl, a really good girl. I had my own apartment and job at 18 and I never had a party and I don’t believe I consumed massive amounts of alcohol, the first time I got drunk I was 20 years old. There were no memories of nuns beating me with paddles, I was just trying to be a good person…I guess. IF I could turn back time, believe me I would. I would sleep with anyone and everyone. No lie! I think that is why I freaked out at 40. Anyway, back to my younger years…..

I had sex one time….well, let’s clarify…technically yes it was sex, but I am not sure if 45 seconds constitutes a sexual experience or a really bad first time. I liked the dude and he was a drummer in his church choir and I met him at work. And I think I only had sex with him because I was 19 going on 20 and I had never had sex. I was a good girl. Didn’t go to church and didn’t have strict parents. My mom wanted me to be put on birth control as a senior in high school and that fucking freaked me out. I didn’t do that. Maybe because my mom had me at 17 and I didn’t want to get pregnant. I don’t know. I just know I wasn’t going to do anything so that wasn’t really necessary.

But I got a job in an apartment complex and I had my own place and I met this really nice man who walked to work everyday and played the drums in his church choir. One night in the hot tub just talking turned into my first sexual experience. It was not thrilling in the least but at least I could say to myself, yes I finally did it. A few months prior I met a Marine who wanted to meet me, he took my best friend ring shopping to buy me a ring and he wanted badly to have sex, and I just wasn’t feeling it. I turned down the sex and the potential marriage.

So here I am 20 years old, living in CA, I had my own apartment and on a last minute decision I am FORCED to go to a Country Bar (god help me, what is a break dancer to do?) I snuck in like I was 21. My aunt sang in the bar and her boyfriend did as well. While sitting in this seedy Country Bar I noticed a very handsome man over 6 feet tall with fabulous bone structure, arms that could kill and glasses. I love a man in glasses. I wanted him. So my aunt’s boyfriend at the time tapped on his shoulder and basically told him, hey dance with that girl (as he pointed to me!) I don’t think my husband had a choice and he just said ok! He later told me he would of never asked me out, I showed up in my MC Hammer Pants and a short pink top and I certainly did not scream I love Country Music. We both snuck in. We were both under age.

Never in my life had I ever made the first move, I was a chicken shit. Hell, I didn’t eat by myself in a fast food joint until I was almost 21. But there was something that drew me to him. He was handsome, hot, and polite. So………..I ASKED HIM OUT. We danced all night and at the end of the evening I think I got a little kiss. It was New Years Eve. I took the first step (for the first time in my life) and asked him out. I asked if he would attend a Superbowl Party with me at my place of business. He accepted. I later found out he drove past the complex the first time because he wasn’t sure we would hit it off. But he did eventually change his mind and he showed up to the party. I have the pictures to prove it. I still to this day have the t-shirt and hat that I wore that day. Awesome Superbowl Party!

Shortly there after he was sent out on deployment. It was supposed to be for 6 months. That was kind of sad. However 6 months turned into 10 months. During his deployment Desert Storm came about. This was when we learned the most about each other and this is when I fell in love with him. (It is good for me to recall these memories so I don’t forget why I used to be head over heels!) He was gone for 10 months and we would talk via snail mail and phone calls every now and again. I got to know him better via letters than a few dates at a movie or a party. I fell hard. And who could resist those damn arms. I have a thing for arms. Man or woman, I love me some arms. Not big guns. Just defined, solid arms.

Two months after he returned we were engaged and six months later we were married. We left CA in 1993 and moved to the Midwest (his hometown) I hated it and a few years later we moved back to California. Long story short, I had a baby and I think I had postpartum depression, why in the hell else would I want to move back to a place I despised? I had two more children here. They are all approx 18 months apart. I hated being pregnant so it was now or never. And after three kids it was kind of hard to persuade the husband to move back to the mainland (or as I call my home…CA!) Four months before our third and last child was born (our only daughter) we bought a house. We have been here ever since.

I feel like at times I am having an outer body experience and this is really not my life. I never imagined myself a stay-at-home mom, with 3 kids, and a dog, who was living in the Midwest and not really enjoying her experience.

I did what was expected. I  have played the fabulous wife and soccer mom and friend, and to be honest it has taken its toll on me and I hit rock bottom 2009. I had what I call the “Midlife Crisis”, I even had a tour. And that is also when I discovered Facebook. The downfall of my marriage I believe. I think I woke up and realized what the fuck am I doing? What happened to me? When did I become mom to so and so and the wife of you know who? Hello???  I lost my identity. And it was a rocky ride for the past 3 years and I won’t go into all that bullshit, I don’t have enough time or space. I will fast forward to this past year in my next entry.

I just felt that if you were kind enough to be reading this you would want to know some of my history. And if you already know this, well, than……..aren’t you special??? Why yes you are! Thank you for sticking by me!!

Sometime this week I will go into what I have experienced since Dec 29th. I call that the day I woke the fuck up!! And it took a very good friend to bitch slap me so to speak, even though she didn’t lay a hand on me!

After I explain my little “break down” or maybe some would consider it a “break through” I will continue on my quest to talk about quirky, meaningless things that keep me up at night.

Peace Out.