What Now?

This morning was the second morning in a row, where I bent over to get some socks, and I started to cry. Yes, if you saw all of the unfolded socks we have in this house, you would cry too. But that is not the reason.

My father-in-law passed away about 4 weeks ago now. And my husband has a big bag of his socks in the closet. I have been wearing them. Yesterday I bent over to grab some and the tears just fell. Wondering if I properly mourned my father-in-law. I am thinking not.

Ironic, the light bulb has been out for about 6 months, the one outside by the basketball hoop. I almost said to my husband last night, I am just going to call you dad and have him change it. Thank god I didn’t say that, but it was my first thought. And my son said to me last night that when he and his dad were driving home from Freshman Baseball Try Outs and he was not cut from the team last night. my husband said, let’s call you grandpa and tell him. How sad that must of been. When you no longer have that person you are used to calling when something is going good in your life, really sucks.

My husband doesn’t talk about his dad’s death and he never has. He never talked about his mom dying 8 months earlier. He doesn’t talk about anything. At least not to me. And you know what is funny? I can talk about anything and everything, just not to him. I think we are more alike than I care to admit. Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?

Although I am having these sad thoughts of my father-in-law, and feeling bad for  my husband, that does not discredit the fact that I am still super pissed over the fact that the man has made NO comment regarding my letter I enclosed in his over night bag on Friday. I know he read the damn thing. My guess is, he knows I am just blowing smoke up his ass, because I have no options at the moment. I don’t even care what he thinks about the letter. I just once want him to say, I read your letter and I hear what you are saying, I don’t have to understand, but I hear you. Seriously, is that to much for ask for? Some sort of acknowledgement would be greatly appreciated. I have a loud voice, but I don’t have a voice in this house. I was robbed of it several years ago.

I think that is why, (although I am great and loyal friend), I am also a needy one. Meaning, I need some sort of reassurance that you hear me and you are not going to leave or just you do not give two shits about what I have to say.

That is why I love Facebook. I am working on three pages. I love the reassurance and the little boost that the fans give me. What I don’t get from my spouse, I get from the feedback on the pages. Well, I get everything but sex. And if I figure out how to do that, I will let you know. The people I have met on this FB  journey has been well worth the fights my husband I have over the computer and the time I spend on it.

Oh look a squirrel…..

This is day number 4 of my job, my first official week is almost done. I enjoy getting out of the house, I do. I hate leaving my dog, he sleeps all day anyway, but I like when he sleeps next to me on the couch 😉 I hate that my kids have to actually walk  home from school. Yesterday was a snow day, so there is snow, but the streets are clear. We don’t live far from the school, but I feel guilty that they have to walk.

With me saying I am upset over my father-in-laws death, and even the stupidity of my husband. I am really trying to think positive and think of a few good things that I have to look forward to. That always puts me in a good mood.

I may get to go to Vegas in July and see some high school friends. Our reunions are such hits, we keep having them every couple of years, this time it will have just been a year. I have a very good friend who I have come to love and adore who is moving to OH (we met on FB!) I can NOT wait to meet her. And I have another woman whose FB page I work on now and we have come fast friends, and we hope to meet soon as well.

I have all my kids Spring sports to look forward to. Love me some baseball, softball, and soccer! And I know it is snowy outside today, but I realize that April will be here before we know it, which means May is quick to follow. Love May and what is signifies. Besides the fact that it means I am becoming a year older, it means that Mr. Sun will shortly make his appearance for a few months.

The summer makes me happy. Even in times of despair or pain, I will smile if the sun is out. So for now I will just wing it. I may have to live in a pretend world for a little while longer. I am sadly used to it, so it won’t be hard. I will have to formulate some kind of plan where I can put what little money I am making away, so I can start a nest egg (again!) This will be my third attempt. I need something to fall back on if the shit hits the fan. At this rate the chances of anything catching me are slim to none 😉

I have been told by several good friends that I need counseling. I don’t want counseling. I don’t want to admit out loud some things that are floating thru this crazy head of mine. I am scared, and lost and don’t know what to do. But I will do what I know how to do. And the Academy Award for the Best Actress in a Drama/Comedy goes to……………ME!

But I do know that I have to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I am getting used to wearing a mask. I will tell you this though, they itch and are difficult to wear when you are wearing your glasses. 🙂 🙂

I had children because why????

Well, yesterday my 12 year old (middle child) sarcastic spawn got in a disagreement with his father and I over something very very important……Pot Roast! Yes, people you heard it here first. There are starving children in in the world (and yes he mentioned this to me as well because I keep harping on him about this issue.)

But this stubborn little pain in my ass would not eat his dinner. He flat out refused. He fought me tooth and nail. It ended up in a fighting match. It was like Tyson v. Holyfield….. minus the ear biting. He is the most stubborn individual I have ever met besides his father. And although I certainly do not agree on his tactics, I applaud him on his tenacity. But god help me I wanted to back hand him into tomorrow.

I took away his video games and his phone for 24 hours (thought that was safer than physical abuse) and I was told I was the meanest mom in the world. I hated him and I always stand up for the other two kids. Apparently I hate him and he must be adopted. I told him yes you were, he said well that explains a lot. I said you are welcome to run away but leave me your cell phone please! He literally sat at the table for over an hour, I think he ate most of his food, some of the carrots ended up on the floor….on accident (my ass!)

This was not a big plate. People would kill for a roast, potatoes, carrots and rolls. 3 carrots (now to be honest I hate them too!) I told him they are good for his eyesight. Than I realized he is the only one out of the 5 of us who doesn’t wear glasses…LOL! Not a very good analogy mom:-0

When did my 10 1/2 year old daughter suddenly turn into a Mother Hen. What the hell? Was I this annoying? I think not! Seriously, I wasn’t. My sister, yes, me….not so much!! If there was an Academy Award for eye rolling and hip shaking, she would win hands down. If not for lead actress in a comedy/drama, then supporting actress for sure. She is so damn bossy, and snippy, and emotional, and loves to tattle on her brothers. Oh yeah, and she recently has taken it upon herself to point out all  my faults. Thank you daughter, I am acutely aware of them. She told my doctor I had mental problems. Can we say MORTIFIED??? She is a Tom Boy trying to become a young woman and it is like she is battling her inner self. 2 Faces of Eve so to speak. Good Lord sounds like me. She is a Cancer sign though and I am the ever wacky Gemini. I do feel sorry for her because honestly her brothers are very mean to her as of late, but at times she does deserve it. It sucks watching your kids argue and fight and fight and argue! UGH!!!

Since I am on a roll I may as well bitch about my older son. Although he has surprised me lately. For the longest time we did not get along. We are both Geminis and I was basically battling myself and all of my demons. I was irritated that he was so much like me, and I didn’t want him to turn out like me. I want him to have confidence and stand proud. I think he is slowly doing that. He is not so withdrawn, he is more affectionate with me, and he talks more. He is mowing grass for money and shows an interest in fixing things like his dad. For example dirt bikes, lawn mowers, etc. He will make a good husband.

But really if I had to do it all again…..I honestly think I would of had the dog first and possibly no children. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and would die for them. But a dog is so quiet and loves you despite your flaws and annoying habits and they just want love and attention. So yeah, if I could go back in time, I would be single, with a dog. Not married perhaps (maybe involved with someone, maybe not!)

Seriously, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Well……..I am sure given enough time I would come up with something.

I don’t get my computer on Tuesdays so I won’t be able to write anything. Damn, what will I do?

Wishing you all a great evening! Peace xoxo

Everyone has a story…………

Author’s Disclaimer: Anything I say or do, can not be used against me in a court of law. All names will be changed to protect the innocent. If I offend you in anyway with by my quirky thoughts, observations or self truths, than you have come to the wrong page. I plan to talk about my day and my world. I will tell you what I really think about marriage, midlife, raising children, and being a stay-at-home mom, in a very small town.

Like Oprah says, everyone has a story! And I will share with you my story, however since I don’t really like to “go by the book”, no pun intended. This story will probably be out of order and to some people will make no sense. My brain doesn’t operate that way when I write. So please just bear with me and eventually you will understand what the hell I am talking about (I always have a point), it just sometimes takes me a while to get to what I am trying say.

I will attempt to to give you a one paragraph synopsis of my life thus far. If you know me, don’t laugh. I have good intentions, but this first attempt at writing may turn into a small novel and not a paragraph.

I am 42 years old and will be 43 years old next month. I was raised in sunny California and lived there since I was 2 or 3, so I consider California my home! Always have and I always will. I grew up in Orange County in an upper middle class neighborhood (with the help of some generous grandparents!) My parents were divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 5. When we moved, my grandparents on  my mom’s side helped my mom out so we could live in, what than was an affluent neighborhood. We had a great house and we basically grew up in one of the first planned communities in Orange County and it was like Utopia!! Everything was perfect. The houses all looked the same, the landscaping was perfect. This city had so many restrictions, that even McDonalds could not display it’s Golden Arches due to the fact it would stick out like a sore thumb.

I grew up not being very fond of school, and really started hating it once I got to 10th grade. Not really sure why, I just didn’t like it. I played softball for 8 or 9 years and that kept me out of trouble. I was a law abiding daughter and I did what I was told. I went to one party, and I had to sneak out to attend. I remember people snorting cocaine in the garage, people drinking, and my friends looking like idiots. I can even remember what color tank top I had on, neon orange. I was so in awe of this other world that I was not accustomed to. Someone called the police, I freaked out and started cleaning up the house. No one got in trouble but I was a bit shaken. This is how much of a dork I was, I knew I had softball practice in the morning. So I brought an alarm clock and my softball gear to this party so I could get up in the morning and rode my bike over to the ball field. Didn’t want to be late. I also remember always wanting to have parties. I enjoyed having friends come over for sleep overs and I would organize everything. I had several pen pals because although I hated school, I enjoyed writing letters to others. I always had to have people around me (still do!) I was 18 years old and I worked in my first law office, the youngest one there of course. And I remember I threw my first dinner party. I invited all of the lawyers and paralegals and I had a blast planning it and it was a success. Something about having people in the house talking and laughing brings me joy.

Shifting gears a bit here. My parents did not get along and so they never really communicated the whole time I was growing up. I never thought their relationship had an effect on me, but if you sit and analyze your life for hours and hours like I tend to do, I am sure I can find a reason to blame my parents for the way that I am. I however have not been about that. You have to take responsibilities for your own actions and you can’t blame your parents, god, or your ex-lover for your behavior. But I am sure patterns are started when watching and observing your surroundings Which brings up the whole topic of nurture or nature. I think about that a lot. My sister and I would be picked up by my dad every other weekend, he would honk  we would go to the car. No words were exchanged between our parents. And sometimes we would take the Amtrak Train to Union Terminal in LA to see my dad, that was always fun. Dad’s house was Disneyland. He had cable and junk food and let us watch movies that our mother would not let us do. My dad remarried when I was 12 and is still married to her today. I love her and her family. I consider her family to be more of my family than my own blood relation family. They are good, good people!!

I guess I can blame my parents for the way I react to different situations now that I think about it, but I try not to dwell on the negatives. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very good at dwelling on the negative and I do it quite well. But I really try not to blame my parents for anything. They did the best that they could. They were two polar opposite people who should of never hooked up in the first place (and that might explain something about my marriage which I will get to later….)

My parents taught me two things, not to be prejudice and they gave me the gift of music. They never talked about other races, genders, and did not talk negative about other people, never discussed politics or religion. So I think that is a good thing. I never went to church, but I think most people are a certain religion because their parents were raised that way, and they just did what their parents did. Had everyone had the opportunity to explore every religion they may find a whole new belief system out there that they were not aware of.  To me it is almost and unknowing form of brainwashing.

Can we talk about Music?  Sure as hell we can, this is my page! I love Music almost more than life itself. It was always on in my house. When my parents were married we would attend parties that were crazy. Live music with every race, color, and creed of people. It was a like a big rainbow. It was also the 70’s, but they were funky righteous parties. My parents best friends at the time were married he was Black and she was Mexican. And their other best friends were a Black and White couple. So love sees no color in my book. See…told ya I would stray a bit from the topic at hand.

But my parents only listened to R&B music, so that is what I grew up on. My dad still to this day, turns the music on and up as soon as he wakes up. (And that drives my husband batty too) I remember watching Soul Train every Saturday with my mom and dancing around the house to Diana Ross and Kool and the Gang! This love of music did make me an outcast at school, but I think it also made me more of an individual. I was probably the only white girl walking around school with a Ghetto Blaster waiting to “Bust a Move!” Shit, I was the only person doing that. My mom put mirrors in our garage so I could dance in there and watch myself. I would write down lyrics to songs so I could memorize them and I would watch Breakdancing Movies all the time. (Remember this is white bred O.C., not a lot of rap going on there at that time.) But I have always kind of walked to the beat of my own drummer. And by the way…….my beat is funky, even at the age of almost 43………… I still got it.

Music is my drug, my savior, my solace and my life. I am more open minded about music than I was when I was younger, so I listen to everything from Folk to Rock to Indie to Coffee House and R&B. Ipod buds are bull-shit shields, they keep out the noise and bring me joy! Some people associate a moment, or a memory, or a feeling, with a smell for example. I associate everything with music. So I do listen to the same music over and over again at times, but it takes me back to what ever memory I am feeling at the moment. I don’t remember dates, but I can tell you what song or music was playing when (A) and (B) happened. Like I said, it is my drug. And without Music I am not sure what my escape route would be.

A house without music in my opinion is like a house without laughter. And although my music irritates the living shit out of my husband, I play it anyway because I need to and the kids enjoy it. The kids like my version of Dinner Theatre (that means the three of them sit at the bar, I stand on the other side of the bar and while they eat dinner, I dance and entertain them!)  That is usually done on a night when the husband is not home. Nothing thrills me more than to hear my kids sing (and they do it all day!) And when you have 3 kids all singing at the same time (different songs mind you!) I want to run and hide, but it sure beats the silence. Nothing screams LOVE to me more than Music and Laughter.

I graduated from High School in 1987 not really having a plan. I hated school and did not want to attend college. I attempted to enlist in the NAVY…what the hell was I thinking there? Apparently I wasn’t. I had a bum knee I never disclosed to them about when I joined, it went out during the first week of boot camp. They offered to perform surgery and I could continue with my career choice. I opted out that real quick. I still have flashbacks. When I see a Teddy Bear I think of a Teddy Bear tattoo that a woman had on her boob. Yes, that was my first time using a communal shower with 50 other women. And all I kept thinking was when her boobs start to sag that Bear is going to look really tall and skinny!!

I was a clueless 18 year old (kind of like I am now, but now I am a clueless 42 year old)  trying to find her place in the world. I think I will leave it at that for now. I am still not done on my history. I want to give you some insight as to why I am the way I am today, in the present.

I am an obscure, odd, witty, generous, trusting, loyal, unorganized, freaky, paranoid, wack job, who most times thinks she is going crazy! We will get to that in time. This is only day one, I don’t want to scare anyone away just yet.

But now I have to switch in to my Soccer Mom mode! So I must go.

Have a fabulous rest of your day!