Megaphone

You can not fix a broken car, if the car has been stolen. You can not do the laundry, without laundry detergent. You can not brush you hair, if you are bald. You can not acknowledge a problem until you say it out loud. And not to yourself, and possibly not even to a friend.

You need to stand on a platform, or a rooftop, and use a very large megaphone so everyone in the neighborhood can hear you.

Or you can break down and call your mother. Really not sure which one is more humiliating.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not good at making a long story short. I like to ramble, not use proper punctuation, and spew whatever is going on in this crazy head of mine. I am also a tad bit ADD, and sometimes I…..oh look, a rock 😉 YOU get my point. So if I tell you a story will be short, chances are I am lying.

So the long story short is: My mother and I were best friends, she had me at 17 and was in High School. We grew up together. I have a sister, but that is a whole other story you do not have time for. My mother and I were best friends….until I turned 40. I started to change, my husband started to change, my life starting falling apart. And the best part of all of that was…………my mom just happened to be there when it was all happening. And after a few days of a big giant build up, and her deciding she didn’t like my attitude, she ripped me a new asshole, cause we always need two. Three excuse me, I am married to one. Things have been rocky ever since. This July will be 4 years that this incident occurred.

I do not call my mom. Not because I don’t love her. But because if I call her that means I have to talk to her, and if I talk to her, than I have to tell her things, and she doesn’t need to be worried or bothered by my shit. I am also still holding a four year grudge, which by the way is not good for your health. Just a helpful little tip.

I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV….squirrel!

Last Monday morning before work I called my mom, mainly out of guilt because I have not talked to her in a while. I knew I was going to email her regarding some financial situations that I may be facing in the future. I wanted her to know, that if I was to get any money what so ever, I did not want my husband’s name on anything. I for some reason felt compelled and got the guts up to just tell her.

I like to write, I don’t like to talk about things like this. I hate to cry, and if I talk about things, I cry, I make the person I am talking to feel bad and I hate that. But I was so pissed off at my husband that I realized I had to tell my mom. (I did go home this Christmas and I gave her a brief synopsis of my married life, and let her know why I don’t talk to her very much!) That was a fun conversation, wish you could of been there.

I had a conversation the day before regarding my life, with my girlfriend (the one who magically vanished on Facebook), and I have this conversation all the time with several other close friends as well. I am a bit OCD too by the way. SO I like repetition…obviously. I keep making the same dumb mistakes over and over again, without getting any results. Or the results I want anyway. But if I am smart enough to know that I am not doing anything different, so what do I expect? If I do not know who I am, how do I expect my husband to understand me?

Good god what the hell was I even talking about? Oh yeah, my mom. SO I said to my  mom, if I am to ever come into money I would like that to be in my name only. My mom understood. I also explained to her, and because I don’t go back and read what I wrote, I may have already disclosed it, but I will say it again.

Apparently, after 21 years….I am unable to do the grocery shopping. I am not disabled and I enjoy going to the store alone. But Hitler has taken it upon himself to now do the grocery shopping. I am Gluten Free so I have to go and do that shopping myself. He now feels he can do it better than I can. However, one day last month, I needed a check for groceries. Being without a job and being a stay-at-home mom does not bring in a paycheck, so I have to ASK for money. (One of the many issues I have with this marriage!) So I didn’t really want to tell my mom this because I knew she would flip out. But at the same time I wanted her to know so she understood where I was coming from.

He was kind enough to leave me a check. I of course assumed it was blank, why would it not be??  Yeah, I wondered the same thing. Nope!  This check was made out to the grocery store, and had a specific amount already filled in. It is very difficult to shop when your check is already filled out. So I brought my very smart 13 year old son with me to help me add it all up. When I do math, 2 plus 5 = shiny object!!!

A few days later Hitler is in in a pissy mood, because we didn’t have any money. Apparently that was my fault. Why wouldn’t it be? I am also the reason there is Global Warming, we have high Gas Prices, and I invented Christmas too, so every year he can bitch about that and act like this is all news to him that we have to spend money and buy gifts.

He explains the reason we have no money is because he just paid off a bunch of medical bills. Which were all mine. Not all, but most of them were. So he started going down the list. He didn’t mention when my son had his ear infection, or my daughter had bronchitis, but he was kind enough to point out the appointments I had (and there were several because they thought it was my gallbladder), I had Gastroenteritis for 10 days. He also proclaimed, because apparently I do not understand. “You do realize that when you go to the doctor’s office, it cost money?” Where I kindly replied, with much appreciation in my voice, “No, do they? I am so glad you just explained that to me, thank you!” These are just a few examples of some of the control issues I am struggling with. I am not a child.

I hate being talked down to, and please don’t tell me what to do. I will do the opposite just to spite you. So this past Saturday (two days before I had the conversation with my  mom) I woke up in a really bad mood. I went into our bathroom to take a shower, he was in there, I said get out, he said come in, blah, blah, blah. Well I start going off regarding something he said and I told him to stop treating me like a child. I said people often ask me why I am still with you. He said, if you want a divorce leave. I also said, you do not realize how often I find myself defending you. (I do take a 50/50 responsibility in the breakdown of our communication!) He said obviously you are telling people things and lies. I said no, people are just observant and you would be surprised at what people pick up on. I was fired up. Pissed at a message I had gotten on FB put me over the edge, and for some reason I went into bitch mode.

Here is the funny part. My husband finds me not funny, not amusing, does not like my sarcasm or sense of humor. As I am throwing a hissy fit, he starts laughing. He says, your funny. I said what? He said you are funny. What the fuck? Now you want to laugh? I was being totally serious and he thinks I am funny. He and I have a long distant relationship. I live in the Midwest and he lives in the Land of Denial.

His only saving grace right now is that he knows that I talk a big game, yet I don’t make a move, so I usually lose the game. I have sent him numerous letters, one last month in fact saying that I was miserable, and maybe he should move out, does he love me, etc.? He has yet to ever acknowledge one thing I have ever written to him. Mind you he doesn’t like to communicate that way. But I do, it is easier for me. I don’t care if you don’t agree with what I said. But let me know you read it and are hearing me. Which goes back to the whole big giant white elephant that lives in our house. Or the stupid law that against Gays in the Military, DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL!!!

With Spring and Summer approaching we will find ourselves being very busy (when are we not?), so with me working part-time, his job, three kids, playing three sports and traveling, we don’t see each other much. Thank god. That would mean we would have to talk. I really have nothing to say.

Yes I do and I hate to say it. I think I have fallen out of love with this man, or maybe I love him, but don’t like him, which to me is almost worse. However he has me cock blocked because I do not have an income or a degree to fall back on. I should of planned my life out a little differently. However I did not realize we were both going to change so much. And I never would of assumed that after 21 years of marriage I would consider leaving. But as a child I never dreamed of getting married and having kids. Luck of the draw I guess. Time to fold and walk away.

Till death do us part? Good lord, he is lucky to be alive most days. 21 years is a long time. After 21 years people change. I have changed more than I ever thought possible, and so has he. The problem is that I have no problem admitting it, he will not admit he is changing too.

So right now, as to not stir the pot (I hate to cook anyway) I am laying low. I do not want to upset my children by leaving  and I don’t have the means at this time anyway, it is really not an option. I am not malicious, and I would hate to go to court to take half of everything he has, that is not how I want to play this game. We also live in a very small town. That would be hell on the whole family. We would be under a microscope by this community, literally. Not fair to the kids. But is being miserable fair to the kids? I don’t think so. No win situation.

I know I am not happy, therefore he can not be happy. So there is my last few weeks in a nutshell. And if you are allergic to peanuts I apologize, should of thrown a disclaimer in here about me being a bit nutty.

So saying out loud to my mom, I was unhappy and hated the way I felt, and that I am only here for the kids and lack of money, just really hit me hard last week. But at the same time it was liberating and I got this new I don’t give a shit attitude.

I have been avoiding housework, because obviously he does it better anyway. I don’t have to go the grocery shopping, score another point for me. I have been sticking to my new way of eating and hitting the treadmill everyday. As long as I can be happy with myself I am hoping that he can’t tear me down. He always does, but Spring and Summer are upon us and I want to make it a good one. Not sure what that means and I am not sure what I am going to do. But I am not going to be miserable. I can play the game. I took drama class in High School.

Again, these are the things that have been running thru my mind the past few weeks. Hell, the past 4 years. Not sure why now I have decided to just go with it and not fight it.

As Peter Brady once sang, “When it’s time to change…..then it’s time to (insert puberty stricken 12 year old boy voice) CHANGE!!”

~~Peace~~

FACEBOOK!!!

I have not been on line due to the fact that my brain is in a perpetual swirl of confusion. I do not want to get on here and bash my marriage and I am trying not to be nasty. A few conclusions became very clear to me on Monday, but I do not want to go into that.

However at the same point I need to vent… and I fill in the blanks from the past few weeks,l later. But today I don’t feel like “going there!”

Today I want to talk about Social Media and Facebook. The demise of my marriage and the rebirth of myself, Oxymoron I know. But that is apparently how my life ebbs and flows.

To the regular person Facebook is a way to communicate with long lost friends and family. You are allowed the freedom to post pictures of your family, that usually are not being seen by people in your life that do not live near you. I am always happy to see my friend’s families and kids. I gauge how old I am getting by their kids, not my own.

At one point in my life (when I turned 40 and had the infamous Midlife Crisis) Facebook turned out to be my lifeline. I found old friends from high school that otherwise I would not of located and I made new friends with people I went to school with but never really knew in class. (They helped me thru some really hard times.)

Funny how you can become best friends with people you grew up with, and didn’t go to school with, but didn’t really “meet”, until you were 40. I guess it was meant to be! Possibly had we been friends when we were younger, maybe our friendship would not be as beneficial today, or even exist, had we been friends when we were younger.

My husband is not a fan of Facebook, due to the fact that it is my escape so to speak. But I probably spend more time on the computer than the average Facebook person only because I have found a whole new “underground” world so to speak. I feel at home and I honestly found what I think is my “Land of Misfit Toys”, if you are not quirky, have issues, or have some kind of illness, you need not apply! LOL

I currently own one Facebook page, which I am in charge of. I co-admin on a fabulous page that I love. And I help two friends on their two pages when I can. Facebook is like the NYSE, but with no money exchanging hands. It is serious business to a lot of people, and numbers are very important, i.e. likes. Eventually if you have enough likes at some point there is some extra money to be made. I believe in an advertising sense, but I am not sure, so please do not quote me.

I do it because I enjoy it. I love to make people laugh and it has also become an addiction of sorts. To see your page jump from 5,500 fans to almost 9,000 in under two months is a rush. It is like hitting the jackpot on the penny slots in Las Vegas, with no payout. It also affirms to me that I can make people laugh and people enjoy what I have to say. Apparently something I am lacking at home. My husband does not find me funny which I have mentioned before. My sarcasm is to much for him. He doesn’t get me at all. But I have found a group of people that do, and if they don’t they are really good liars 😉

Sidenote: I did go ape shit on my husband this Saturday, and when I was dead serious about a few issues, he started laughing and said I was funny! (WTH?) Yeah, really funny honey!

Enough about him. I did want to talk about the bonds that are formed on Facebook. Everyone is so hesitant and always telling me to be careful because people who are not who they say they are or proclaim to be. And I understand and get their point. However from the point of an Administrator or Owner of a Facebook page, you get to see if from a whole other different side.

You are in Page Owner Sharing Groups, Support Groups, etc. You befriend Admins and they will share your page and in return you share yours. There is a bond formed that you would never understand unless you were in this little “Underground World!”

I have met some of the most incredible, fascinating, messed up, hot, beautiful people in the world. Much more supportive then a lot of people I know in the real world. You have a problem, shoot off a message to your Facebook family or in one of your groups, and you will usually be promptly addressed by someone almost immediately!!!

There are numerous support groups on Facebook that I do not even think people are aware of from Mental Illness to Sex Groups. You have a problem or a desire, you will find somewhere to fit in this weird little world. Much more to Facebook then meets the eye.

I decided to write today about Facebook because my heart was crushed yesterday, and it just caught me off guard. So I felt the need to get on the defensive and defend Facebook. Friendships are real, and people bond, and when you end up talking to people at all hours of the day and night you really do get to know someone. Good and Bad!!! You make a legitimate friendship.

I have a Facebook Admin/Owner who befriended me last year. Two totally different people (she and I) totally different ages, and living on opposites of the world. She is in her 20’s and attends college and lives in another country. We live different cultures and customs and I don’t know how or why we became friends, but we did. She is a wise, smart, beautiful young woman (who I was shocked to find out was in college and so young!)

Well, we were friends and would talk here and there and last year she just left Facebook. Her pages were still there, obviously being run by other people. Continually wondered where she went though. Out of the blue a few months ago I get a message…from her, asking how was I was doing? And she sincerely wanted to know how I was doing. She has an odd 6th sense, I would say two words, and she instantly knew something was wrong. I almost think she has magic powers.

So we started a friendship (with the 5 hour time difference!) I was schooled on customs and religions and clothes and the beautiful scenery. I was shown numerous pictures of her country, and it was nothing like I had ever imagined. I also can not imagine being in a country where it is forbidden to drink, smoke, etc. I became a sponge over the past few weeks and was just so curious about their music, school, religion, etc.

We formed a bond and every night I looked forward to just talking about our day. I would bitch about my family, I think I did most of the talking, due to the fact that I appeared to be the one with most of the “issues” so to speak.

A few days ago she shared with me that she needed to get off of Facebook because she felt like she wasn’t being true to herself and her religion (not said in those words, but you get the gist!)

We had a very wonderful conversation on Monday night ( a very eye opening conversation.) On Tuesday morning when I turned on my computer, this time I could sense something was wrong. She simply was sending me a message to say goodbye. I honestly thought she was saying goodbye because she was on Spring Break and maybe taking a holiday or going back to school.

Sadly, I was wrong, she was leaving Facebook once again to continue on with her life. She would be back eventually but didn’t know when.  It was a very odd, punch to the gut reaction I had. Only because I thought it was something I had said the night before (it wasn’t), I did come to find out that she said goodbye to several people and shut down her accounts.

I felt yesterday that I lost a really good friend, who never judged any of my wacky thoughts or crazy stories. I was so into our conversations I was sharing pictures with my kids of her country and my son wanted to know if she liked Adele and Nicki Minaj (Ha Ha!) And she did say yes. So she made his good list.

But yesterday when I could not send her a reply because all her accounts were deactivated for the time being, I just started to cry. I know she was having issues and struggling with life and it was like a magic trick. She told me to go out and live and be happy and be good and then POOF….she was gone. I really was just very, very, sad yesterday.

My point of that story was, you can make connections with people on Facebook almost better than you can in person. Some people are shy, some people have bi-polar, some people have high anxiety and don’t like public speaking. Some people are just more comfortable talking via computer than in person. And when most of the people you meet don’t live down the street from you, this is the best way to communicate. I have met people all over the country, who otherwise I would of never had gotten to know. We are all more similar than not!

I have met several people on Facebook that I know will be friends for life. I have met them in person. One even stayed at my house for a week in February. And we only knew each other via Facebook, she helps me on my page. We had never even spoken in real life. My children loved her and my husband did too. We are forever bonded.

I met one Admin I worked with last year, mid way between her house and mine, and we had a blast. She is one of my best friends. I have befriended a person who I have yet to meet (but am dying to see in person) she was put in my life for some reason, and maybe one  day we will figure out why. But I love and adore her and I have not even met her yet. Funny tho, we fight argue like siblings, makes me laugh! I am also more than likely going to hook up with the woman who runs the new page I am Co-Admining on. We have a lot in common and laugh a lot. That will be a blast.

You end up texting and talking on the phone to people you Admin with. So I wanted to give a positive spin on Facebook today because lately I hear so many negative things about it. It is an outlet for some, it is a way to express ones feelings, and it is a way to connect with people that you may otherwise have not had the chance to meet.

Squirrel…….Oh wait, one more example. A woman who I met in a sharing group has a beautiful page. Nothing like mine. She was very kind to me when my father-in-law was dying a few months ago. Sent me fabulous messages that made me smile. Still not sure what she saw in me. She is smart and interesting, and nothing like me. I recently found out she somewhat knew our mutual Facebook friend, the one who left Facebook yesterday.

I sent her a quick message and said did you know (so and so left) and if you ever hear from her please tell her to contact me. I also told her I was crying and it just hit me hard. My cell phone rings yesterday, didn’t recognize the number (afraid it was a bill collector) but since it was not an 800 number I picked it up. And it was this fascinating woman. I had a voice to the page and the positive messages I had admired. We spoke for almost an hour (and I would of continued the conversation) but I had children needing things…..like dinner. (Those damn kids, why do they need to eat and be picked up from ball practice? Don’t they know I am talking here?)

Another example of a fabulous person I met on Facebook who is real. I explained the phone call to my husband, but I did not go into details about my friend that left Facebook because I knew he would tell me to leave as well. He appeared to not have any interest in the stories I was telling him about her life, I was just awe struck. She kicks some serious ass in my book. There are so many awesome people out there.

If we all just stopped and said hello to each other, even on the street, I am sure you would meet your soul mate, or best friend or just a really cool person with a story. I know everybody has a story. Just not everyone is willing to tell it or is ever asked to share it. People just want to be heard.

I have made friends, mentors, crushes, and most importantly I have laughed…a lot! These people are damn funny. And you have to be in order to survive in this odd world of Facebook pages.

I guess instead of bashing on my marriage today, I just wanted to defend the only thing that currently brings me joy (besides my kids when they are not killing each other or my dog.) It is cold and ugly outside, and I need sun and fun and until then (and after too) but Facebook is what I do. I don’t get paid, and don’t they say that you would do what you loved even if you didn’t get paid, just because you love it so much? That would be me. I love my non-paying job.

It is on my bucket list to meet several other people I have met on this journey and I am hoping one day I will get to do so.

I did miss getting on line this morning and not saying good afternoon (when it was morning here) to my friend. I so wish her peace and I hope she finds it. If she is truly happy and finds whatever it is she is looking for I will be thrilled. She needed to do some soul searching and I get that.

Hoping one day she contacts me again……

And as far as Facebook and Social Media, the husband doesn’t believe in it, but I don’t think he really has a choice. This is all our children know and this is the future. So today instead of defending my motives to possibly end my marriage I felt like jumping on my soapbox to defend my computer, so to speak, if that makes sense. I would like to think about something other than my marriage.

It just felt good to get that all off my chest. No one could read this and I would be fine with that. But I was feeling this overwhelming urge to implode. And now I don’t.

Well, until I go home and the husband or my dog looks at me the wrong way then I might get mad and blow up 🙂

Wishing everyone a peaceful day! xo

Be Careful What You Wish For

So, I had the fabulous come to Jesus moment regarding my house and my life. Well, either all the stars were in alignment or the husband just couldn’t take it anymore. Actually, when he is in a bad mood….he likes to clean.

Wish I liked to clean when I was in a bad mood. My house would be spotless. I have to share with you my husband’s traits. He is very organized, clean, almost military like (he was in the NAVY), he does not like clutter or junk drawers. So now that you have a picture of what he is like. Just imagine me as the total opposite.

I know they say opposites attract, but seriously who knew we had nothing in common. The Obama and The Romney signs in our front yard sort of gave us away…. ha!

So Hitler (my husband) came in the house like a man on a mission yesterday at 12:30. That is when our world stopped for 24 hours. Now, I was not in the mood for being told what to do, and not by  him. My kids were wanting to go out and play (of course it was the weekend), my kids seriously do not know how lucky they have it.

Hitler got all of his little Nazi’s in order and started barking out orders. Eva Braun (that would be me) stayed downstairs for 8 hours and did laundry, washed, dryed and folded. Hitler stayed upstairs cleaning with the kids. About once every 30 minutes a child would scream or cry or get into a fight. It was a horribly long day. But I will give it to Hitler, he gets the job done and no one can get in his way. I have no say in this house. I let the kids over run me for so long that they don’t believe me when I threaten them anymore than my husband does.

So although I was miserable as Fuck yesterday, I applaud him for taking some action, because apparently I was to overwhelmed to start, let alone finish this arduous task. Finally at 11:30 he went to bed and the kids followed shorty there after. So we spent 11 hours cleaning yesterday.

For some reason my son wanted to sleep in my room, so I took his room. Never a bother to me. I enjoy sleeping alone and I don’t have to listen to anyone snore. I came upstairs about 1:30.

But I was woken up this morning by the vacuum cleaner…running again. The man is like the Energizer Bunny for god’s sake. He never stops. And he wonders why our daughter has ADHD, he is just as bad, if not worse!!! The kids are tired of working and exhausted and hungry, as there is no food in this house. I can’t eat because I have to go back to my Gluten Free Diet and there is nothing in here I can eat.

I had a few beers yesterday (due to the stress of Hitler), I prefer Vodka but we didn’t have any. And I ate a bagel which is just wrong. I feel like a swollen monster, and I feel really gross actually. So today I vow to start the Gluten Free and Yeast Free diet again. Might as well, nothing in the house to eat anyway. I will just drink water all day and hope to get rid of my Fred Flintstone hands and feet by morning.

There is still a lot to do. I am not done with the laundry. You know the saying, It takes a Village to raise a child? Well, my family could clothe a small village. Damn, where did all these clothes come from, I know we all wear the same thing every day. But if I can spend ten hours doing laundry we have a serious problem. I think they took everything out from under their beds, in their closets, and even if they haven’t worn them they were thrown in the dirty laundry pile. I am boycotting laundry today. Hitler can throw Eva in jail, I don’t care. Actually, I beg that of him. Peace and Quiet for a few hours would be great.

We did have to go thru hell yesterday, but in hindsight I am so glad that my husband realized that I was not going to get this done and he took the lead. I don’t like the way he gets on the kids sometimes, but that is my issue. At least he gets them to get things accomplished. Even if it is out of fear.

My only complaint, and I rode his ass for this, but he found nothing wrong with it. I asked him not to go under my side of the bathroom sink, I know it is unorganized but it is my crap. He doesn’t listen very well. He took everything out and went thru all my shit. I was super pissed. Is nothing sacred in this house? Apparently not. His belief if you are not hiding anything, what is the problem?

I would say you are the problem dip shit! Anyway, he finally took the kids out to get some lunch. I didn’t go because there is nothing I can eat. I need to start making my own food again. I am on a mission to lose 15 pounds by my Birthday. Memorial Weekend.  I believe we might go “as a family” to the park and take my crippled dog. Between his leg and my bad back, it should be lots of fun. Normally I would stay home and chill or Facebook.

But he did get the job done, and he did ask me to go. So I have to say yes. He got the upstairs finished, minus all my clothes that he didn’t know where to put. And my question, why do I have so many damn clothes? I wear the same thing everyday.

Mother Nature is teasing us today, and the weather man says it is going to be 66 degrees. Big change from our snow day last week. So I think I will take Fatty (my dog) to the park and let him run away. Just gave him some pain medicine, hopefully he will have some fun.

So once this house gets in order, I am sure it will take me a week between work and the kids (meaning the downstairs), next weekend the house should be done. We are going to need a plan, a schedule and a chore list.

Once the house is in order, my life is the next thing  I have to get in order.

The weekend sucked, and was productive. So I shouldn’t complain!

Wishing you all a nice Sunday.

~Peace~

Oh My God!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I just had a come to Jesus moment in my bathtub. Don’t confuse that with, I just had a cum to Jesus moment in my bathtub;-) That would of been nice, but that is not what I am talking about.

I have been taking a bath every morning because my back is killing me. I usually go upstairs, get in the tub….and bring my appendage with me, I mean my phone. Yes, if I can’t take my laptop into the tub without ruining it, I will have to bring my phone. Who doesn’t need continual social media while they are trying to take a bath and calm down or chill out?

Ironically, I misplaced  my phone. This is where my story begins. The water is running, I thought I turned on the fan to the bathroom. (I really do continual noise, I do not like peace & quiet. It makes me nervous. So I am frantically running around my bathroom and bedroom, wrapped in a towel looking for my phone. I run downstairs and can’t find it, look under the dog, nope not there. Go back upstairs where I almost have a panic attack. Yes, over a phone! Don’t judge! 🙂

I get into the bathtub (it is a jacuzzi tub so it takes a while to fill up), I turn off the water…..and I don’t hear the fan. I start to cringe a little inside, realizing that I am more OCD than I had thought. I am used to a routine, and noise, and I am thinking now what do I do? Should I read, or should I just relax? My version of relaxing is not the average person’s means of relaxing. I sat in the tub trying to rub my jaws back into gear so I could open my mouth. I have been clenching my teeth so bad, my face was hurting. (Long story but I have shattered all of my molars due to clenching and grinding…not fun, losing teeth.

Anyway, I have no phone and I have no fan to distract me, what should I do? I start to look at the mess I have made in the bathroom. Which gets me to ask myself, how in the hell did  my house get so out of control? There is a mess in every room. I have yet to finish anything that I start. My car is disheveled and full of papers and magazines that are just taking up space. As I am laying in the tub, I start to feeling like I can’t breathe. Due to the overwhelming feeling I am getting of just not being in control.

But my ” Come To Jesus Moment ” came to me when I started to associate my house to my life/marriage. Out of control, not organized, not enough  time and care put into it, no routine, no boundaries, I just don’t give a shit. Or possibly I give a shit so much that I am paralyzed over all that needs to be done so I ignore it.

Don’t you love to clean out a closet, and just stare at it? Well I do anyway. I am usually cleaning out closets waiting for the nearest skeleton to fall out or for someone to “come out” of the closet. My problems are a result of my unorganized house, or vice versa. Regardless, they are a mirror of each other. And I need to get both situations in order before I can move on. I was so busy running around doing nothing, I have not sat quietly and thought about anything. I know I use the Social Media as a distraction from my real life. It is easier than taking control and responsibility of your life. I complain about my husband living with blinders. I am doing the same damn thing.

So as I am sitting there in the tub I close my eyes and I hear birds. It made me smile. I used to hate the sound of birds. I don’t really like birds. But the sun was shining in the window and the birds were singing and for one minute I had a glimmer of hope that I was going to be okay. And it doesn’t hurt that when the birds sing in the Midwest it means Spring is near!!!

Had the fan been on and my phone been in my hand, I would of not noticed the birds, or the sun, or the mess that is enveloping me to the point of suffocation.

I need a clear head and a clean house before I can move forward.

What I really need is a sister wife. One to clean my house, one to attend to my husband, one to take care of my kids.

I will take some responsibility, I will take care of my fat beagle!!!

I realize I need to be pr0-active and start getting some shit accomplished around here. My inner moral is squashed and I need to feel accomplished. I am hoping that if I make a list and start marking some goals off the list, that will inspire me to continue on my quest to find clarity. And maybe some socks and some shoes we can’t seem to find.

All of this was a result of me not finding my phone. Maybe I need to sit back and listen to the birds more often, maybe they have been guiding me all along. But I always have my bullshit shields in (Ipod) so I am not hearing their song!

Toodles ~

 

GEMINI

Thank god for good friends. If it wasn’t for my good friend I wouldn’t have a part-time job. Well, I am sure I could go out and look for a job, something that works into my schedule, but it is so much easier when it is just dropped in your lap.

My friend bought a funky Ice Cream/Treat store last year and recognized that her dear friend was going a bit looney at home. I am a people person and I need people. Lots and lots of people. If I could have people at my house everyday…..I would.

So due to shitty weather business is rather slow, we just opened up this week. Spring and Summer will be a hectic mess, no worries that we will not remain busy through out the warm months.

So I am sitting here in this little shop with nothing to do but think. And the good lord and my friends know that I can over think anything. I am very good at it. That should be my job. I would be a wealthy lady. Sadly, worrying and thinking does not bring in an income, and all it does is give me back pain and headaches, but it is what I do. It is who I am.

I have always wondered am I the way I am because I am a Gemini, because I am bi-polar (undiagnosed), have ADD, just don’t give a rats ass, or I am just fucking crazy! I would actually go with all of the above.

I can over analyze and over think anything, my marriage, my life, my choices, my sexuality, my laundry, my past decisions, shall I continue? I could over analyze a rock if you give me enough time. Hence, why I don’t sleep much. But today I am blaming all my habits, good or bad on my birthday. 🙂

What Now?

This morning was the second morning in a row, where I bent over to get some socks, and I started to cry. Yes, if you saw all of the unfolded socks we have in this house, you would cry too. But that is not the reason.

My father-in-law passed away about 4 weeks ago now. And my husband has a big bag of his socks in the closet. I have been wearing them. Yesterday I bent over to grab some and the tears just fell. Wondering if I properly mourned my father-in-law. I am thinking not.

Ironic, the light bulb has been out for about 6 months, the one outside by the basketball hoop. I almost said to my husband last night, I am just going to call you dad and have him change it. Thank god I didn’t say that, but it was my first thought. And my son said to me last night that when he and his dad were driving home from Freshman Baseball Try Outs and he was not cut from the team last night. my husband said, let’s call you grandpa and tell him. How sad that must of been. When you no longer have that person you are used to calling when something is going good in your life, really sucks.

My husband doesn’t talk about his dad’s death and he never has. He never talked about his mom dying 8 months earlier. He doesn’t talk about anything. At least not to me. And you know what is funny? I can talk about anything and everything, just not to him. I think we are more alike than I care to admit. Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?

Although I am having these sad thoughts of my father-in-law, and feeling bad for  my husband, that does not discredit the fact that I am still super pissed over the fact that the man has made NO comment regarding my letter I enclosed in his over night bag on Friday. I know he read the damn thing. My guess is, he knows I am just blowing smoke up his ass, because I have no options at the moment. I don’t even care what he thinks about the letter. I just once want him to say, I read your letter and I hear what you are saying, I don’t have to understand, but I hear you. Seriously, is that to much for ask for? Some sort of acknowledgement would be greatly appreciated. I have a loud voice, but I don’t have a voice in this house. I was robbed of it several years ago.

I think that is why, (although I am great and loyal friend), I am also a needy one. Meaning, I need some sort of reassurance that you hear me and you are not going to leave or just you do not give two shits about what I have to say.

That is why I love Facebook. I am working on three pages. I love the reassurance and the little boost that the fans give me. What I don’t get from my spouse, I get from the feedback on the pages. Well, I get everything but sex. And if I figure out how to do that, I will let you know. The people I have met on this FB  journey has been well worth the fights my husband I have over the computer and the time I spend on it.

Oh look a squirrel…..

This is day number 4 of my job, my first official week is almost done. I enjoy getting out of the house, I do. I hate leaving my dog, he sleeps all day anyway, but I like when he sleeps next to me on the couch 😉 I hate that my kids have to actually walk  home from school. Yesterday was a snow day, so there is snow, but the streets are clear. We don’t live far from the school, but I feel guilty that they have to walk.

With me saying I am upset over my father-in-laws death, and even the stupidity of my husband. I am really trying to think positive and think of a few good things that I have to look forward to. That always puts me in a good mood.

I may get to go to Vegas in July and see some high school friends. Our reunions are such hits, we keep having them every couple of years, this time it will have just been a year. I have a very good friend who I have come to love and adore who is moving to OH (we met on FB!) I can NOT wait to meet her. And I have another woman whose FB page I work on now and we have come fast friends, and we hope to meet soon as well.

I have all my kids Spring sports to look forward to. Love me some baseball, softball, and soccer! And I know it is snowy outside today, but I realize that April will be here before we know it, which means May is quick to follow. Love May and what is signifies. Besides the fact that it means I am becoming a year older, it means that Mr. Sun will shortly make his appearance for a few months.

The summer makes me happy. Even in times of despair or pain, I will smile if the sun is out. So for now I will just wing it. I may have to live in a pretend world for a little while longer. I am sadly used to it, so it won’t be hard. I will have to formulate some kind of plan where I can put what little money I am making away, so I can start a nest egg (again!) This will be my third attempt. I need something to fall back on if the shit hits the fan. At this rate the chances of anything catching me are slim to none 😉

I have been told by several good friends that I need counseling. I don’t want counseling. I don’t want to admit out loud some things that are floating thru this crazy head of mine. I am scared, and lost and don’t know what to do. But I will do what I know how to do. And the Academy Award for the Best Actress in a Drama/Comedy goes to……………ME!

But I do know that I have to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I am getting used to wearing a mask. I will tell you this though, they itch and are difficult to wear when you are wearing your glasses. 🙂 🙂

March Madness

March Madness to some probably means the basketball play-offs. In my world, March 1st, might of been the beginning of the end. I am not sure yet, and I don’t know how this is all going to play out, so I do not know who going to win and who is going to lose. I don’t think there are any winners in this game, we call LIFE!

The last day of February the husband did something to piss me off, made some off the cuff comments about medical bills, and made mention that they were all mine, and did I know that it cost money to go to the doctors? No, wow, I had no idea, but thank you for that tad bit of helpful information.

So Friday, March 1st, I am not thrilled with the comment that was made to me the night before. And Friday, March 1st, was also the first day of my new part-time job. It is going to be an adjustment with me being gone everyday from 11 to 4. It doesn’t seem to be a lot of hours for most folks, but when you are a stress monster like me, and you are used to being home and able to drive your children from point A to point B, it is a little stressful on the “Soccer Mom Brain!”

The job is fun and easy, and I enjoy and very much need to get out of the house. I am not complaining about having a job. My brain is just like the a time bomb and there so many tiny little wires and if you cut the wrong one it is going to explode….my brain that is 😉 I think I might think to much, do you think?

So I  go to work all day, but in the back of my mind I am thinking why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am not happy, and something has to be done about it or I am going to die inside. I can feel it starting to happen already. And I want to stop, before the internal stress actually does kill me. Kill my spirit then you have managed to kill me. I may still be breathing, but that doesn’t really mean that you are alive!

The good news for me this weekend, was The Husband and two of my three kids were going to visit my grandma. She lives two hours away. I had to stay back because my son could not miss High School Baseball Try-Outs. So after my first day on the job, I ran by the store real quick and picked up a blank card. I had to pack my husband’s bag for the weekend so in his bag, I included a little note so to speak.

I came home, wrote out what I was thinking, and really needed for a particular person to hear what I wrote. This way, this friend would understand, one why my husband was responding the way he was (nothing has happened yet), and two I wanted to make sure that is sounded all right. That I wasn’t a bitch, but that I was stating my truth. All my girlfriend said was, damn!

In a nutshell I told my husband that I couldn’t take it anymore. The check to the grocery store pre-made out with the amount was really the last straw. But when he started blaming me for medical bills that took me to a new underground basement of crazy!! I said are you happy? Do you love me? Do I love you? Should you move out and live at your dad’s house (his dad recently passed away and the house is empty!) I also stated that I had my anti-depressant medicine doubled, but would he know that…NO, because he never asks. I said you do not physically abuse me, but mentally you are driving me nuts and we need to figure something out because I am not happy.

But first you must remember, I have a husband who doesn’t like me to write down my feelings. He has a wife that doesn’t have any other means of expressing herself. I can’t talk to him. I have a hard time talking to most people when it comes to getting raw and real. Very few people I can do that with, and feel safe to do that with.

But I can say what I need to say in a letter or an email much easier. I have been married 21 years so these letters should not come to be a shock to him. Just like Christmas he is shocked every year we have to spend money and buy gifts, he acts like I just made this Holiday up for fuck’s sake. And it is no shock to me, that whenever I write him a letter or send him an email, it is never acknowledged and I guess that is what makes me the most angry and upset. Not being heard is very heartbreaking. My voice and feelings don’t count. Or at least that is how he makes me feel.

So right now I am sitting in front of my fireplace getting ready to fold laundry. I think my laundry is like a metaphor for my marriage. I avoid the laundry like I avoid the laundry. I let it sit to long and then I have all of this mess to clean up, I get stressed because I can not do it in a timely matter. Or I can’t complete it all. It gets so overwhelming I give up. And I think that is what I am doing regarding my marriage.

I am nervous and don’t really want the family to come home. I have enjoyed my weekend with my oldest son. But you can bet when the kids get ready for bed tonight my heart is going to be pounding.  He will either say nothing to me, or I am going to get slammed with some serious shit. Maybe I should bring out the floor fan, just in case. LOL !

I am nervous, I am stressed, I have a headache from hell and my eyes are going bad again. Starting to piss me off. I can’t see with or without  my glasses on and my head needs to explode. It might be time for a Xanax because the anticipation of my husband returning is starting to make my stomach turn. That could be why I feel so gross today. I was blaming it on the fast food and lack of sleep this weekend, but maybe it is the stress too!

Tomorrow is the start of my first real work week. Sadly my kids will have to literally have to walk home from school in the snow, I can’t leave work to get them. We live to close to the school for them to ride the bus, so they can walk, they are just not used to having to do so. And I feel guilty that they have to. As you will find out, I have a lot of guilt. If I was religious I would probably be Catholic. But I am not religious in the least, but damn I have a lot of guilt.

Possibly because I feel like I am the reason we are broke, I am the reason we have so many bills, I am the reason the house is not getting cleaned and I am the reason our marriage is falling apart. I am also the reason while the world is in debt, gas prices are high, and global warming. You can blame me. Your welcome 🙂

I now have to start doing something productive and make it look like I did something this weekend. I really did do nothing, but it was with my son, so I don’t think that should count against me. I am going to take some more motrin and start folding these piles of clothes that have accumulated over the week. Ugh… to be continued.

Be Careful What You Wish For Cuz You Just Might Get It

So by 6:50 am I realized that something I was secretly wishing for, would come true. Sadly, when it did,  it felt like a smack in the face, so just be careful what you hope for!

I was thinking yesterday, yes I do think sometimes, and usually way to much. Why do I need a therapist? I can tell you everything that is wrong with me. I do not live in denial and I own my 50% of this marriage. Self analyzing is so healthy on the brain, heart, and soul. Said no woman, ever!!!

I was wishing that the fake kisses in the morning before The Husband leaves for work would cease. He is just doing it out of habit at this point. But I was in the kitchen this morning making a Pot Roast for the husband and family. My hubby didn’t say he was leaving, give me a kiss, or even simply say goodbye. Catch 22 ya know? Ask for something, have it, and realize it sucks either way you look at it.

I do realize the husband is stressed out. His father just died, he is worried about losing his job, we are having some money problems. That problem would be….we don’t have any. I don’t think my little part-time job I start tomorrow is going to make us or break us. But I think my sanity is worth way more than any paycheck. The last time I worked, I had a little bit more confidence in just myself and my abilities.

If you have never been a stay-at-home, you can’t relate. Seriously. It is hard, and overwhelming, and with this job comes guilt and pain and tears and frustration. I hate that I don’t love my current job, and I should. And I feel guilty that I don’t. I used to pass judgement on women who went to work when I know they had the option to say at home. Why go to work when you have babies to take care of? I should of been worrying about myself and not other people. Where has this gotten me? Don’t answer that, this would be a total rhetorical question to me, from me 😉

I do have one answer! Tonight, after being singled out regarding bills in this house that have to be paid, I am pissed. This had noting to do with me buying expensive shoes or makeup, nope, this was regarding medical issues that I had no control over. My husband would disagree with that statement. He believes EVERYTHING is mind over matter. And do you think I mind that he has never asked me once how I am since I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication fourteen months ago? Yes I mind.

Apparently in his world if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. You should see all of the shit I step over all day. There are so many elephants in each room of my house, that are being ignored it is crazy.

I knew tonight when my husband gave me a peck on the lips and said have a good night that we were roommates and not spouses. Very frustrating and very sad. I am rethinking this whole idea that I can hang in other six years until my daughter graduates from high school. Ugh I have a lot to think about, my head is going to explode. Hope it doesn’t, but it is a possibility. I ran out of Mr. Clean Sponges and those are the best for dirty walls.

Now I am off to bed with a pounding head and a slightly wounded heart. But I am looking forward to the weekend as my husband will be gone with two of my kids. And I will be home with my oldest. It will be a good bonding experience for us. He is daddy’s boy, so this should be interesting.

Okay, now really, this time, I am going to bed. Good Nite.xo