March Madness to some probably means the basketball play-offs. In my world, March 1st, might of been the beginning of the end. I am not sure yet, and I don’t know how this is all going to play out, so I do not know who going to win and who is going to lose. I don’t think there are any winners in this game, we call LIFE!
The last day of February the husband did something to piss me off, made some off the cuff comments about medical bills, and made mention that they were all mine, and did I know that it cost money to go to the doctors? No, wow, I had no idea, but thank you for that tad bit of helpful information.
So Friday, March 1st, I am not thrilled with the comment that was made to me the night before. And Friday, March 1st, was also the first day of my new part-time job. It is going to be an adjustment with me being gone everyday from 11 to 4. It doesn’t seem to be a lot of hours for most folks, but when you are a stress monster like me, and you are used to being home and able to drive your children from point A to point B, it is a little stressful on the “Soccer Mom Brain!”
The job is fun and easy, and I enjoy and very much need to get out of the house. I am not complaining about having a job. My brain is just like the a time bomb and there so many tiny little wires and if you cut the wrong one it is going to explode….my brain that is 😉 I think I might think to much, do you think?
So I go to work all day, but in the back of my mind I am thinking why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am not happy, and something has to be done about it or I am going to die inside. I can feel it starting to happen already. And I want to stop, before the internal stress actually does kill me. Kill my spirit then you have managed to kill me. I may still be breathing, but that doesn’t really mean that you are alive!
The good news for me this weekend, was The Husband and two of my three kids were going to visit my grandma. She lives two hours away. I had to stay back because my son could not miss High School Baseball Try-Outs. So after my first day on the job, I ran by the store real quick and picked up a blank card. I had to pack my husband’s bag for the weekend so in his bag, I included a little note so to speak.
I came home, wrote out what I was thinking, and really needed for a particular person to hear what I wrote. This way, this friend would understand, one why my husband was responding the way he was (nothing has happened yet), and two I wanted to make sure that is sounded all right. That I wasn’t a bitch, but that I was stating my truth. All my girlfriend said was, damn!
In a nutshell I told my husband that I couldn’t take it anymore. The check to the grocery store pre-made out with the amount was really the last straw. But when he started blaming me for medical bills that took me to a new underground basement of crazy!! I said are you happy? Do you love me? Do I love you? Should you move out and live at your dad’s house (his dad recently passed away and the house is empty!) I also stated that I had my anti-depressant medicine doubled, but would he know that…NO, because he never asks. I said you do not physically abuse me, but mentally you are driving me nuts and we need to figure something out because I am not happy.
But first you must remember, I have a husband who doesn’t like me to write down my feelings. He has a wife that doesn’t have any other means of expressing herself. I can’t talk to him. I have a hard time talking to most people when it comes to getting raw and real. Very few people I can do that with, and feel safe to do that with.
But I can say what I need to say in a letter or an email much easier. I have been married 21 years so these letters should not come to be a shock to him. Just like Christmas he is shocked every year we have to spend money and buy gifts, he acts like I just made this Holiday up for fuck’s sake. And it is no shock to me, that whenever I write him a letter or send him an email, it is never acknowledged and I guess that is what makes me the most angry and upset. Not being heard is very heartbreaking. My voice and feelings don’t count. Or at least that is how he makes me feel.
So right now I am sitting in front of my fireplace getting ready to fold laundry. I think my laundry is like a metaphor for my marriage. I avoid the laundry like I avoid the laundry. I let it sit to long and then I have all of this mess to clean up, I get stressed because I can not do it in a timely matter. Or I can’t complete it all. It gets so overwhelming I give up. And I think that is what I am doing regarding my marriage.
I am nervous and don’t really want the family to come home. I have enjoyed my weekend with my oldest son. But you can bet when the kids get ready for bed tonight my heart is going to be pounding. He will either say nothing to me, or I am going to get slammed with some serious shit. Maybe I should bring out the floor fan, just in case. LOL !
I am nervous, I am stressed, I have a headache from hell and my eyes are going bad again. Starting to piss me off. I can’t see with or without my glasses on and my head needs to explode. It might be time for a Xanax because the anticipation of my husband returning is starting to make my stomach turn. That could be why I feel so gross today. I was blaming it on the fast food and lack of sleep this weekend, but maybe it is the stress too!
Tomorrow is the start of my first real work week. Sadly my kids will have to literally have to walk home from school in the snow, I can’t leave work to get them. We live to close to the school for them to ride the bus, so they can walk, they are just not used to having to do so. And I feel guilty that they have to. As you will find out, I have a lot of guilt. If I was religious I would probably be Catholic. But I am not religious in the least, but damn I have a lot of guilt.
Possibly because I feel like I am the reason we are broke, I am the reason we have so many bills, I am the reason the house is not getting cleaned and I am the reason our marriage is falling apart. I am also the reason while the world is in debt, gas prices are high, and global warming. You can blame me. Your welcome 🙂
I now have to start doing something productive and make it look like I did something this weekend. I really did do nothing, but it was with my son, so I don’t think that should count against me. I am going to take some more motrin and start folding these piles of clothes that have accumulated over the week. Ugh… to be continued.
My Life As I Know It 