Insanity Project A Bust

So..apparently you must put the Insanity DVD’s into the CD player, if you in fact want to lose weight.  I found out that telepathically does not work. I have NOT started The Insanity Program, but however, I have just been living it.

This entry will be short, as I am don’t even remember what has happened over the past two weeks. I do know that it has been eye opening, and has caused an internal angst. I also am certain, I have no idea what I am doing, and I don’t yet what I am going to do.

Right now I am just winging it. Not a healthy way to live, I know.  But this is how I am maintaining a level or normalcy. I have good and bad days, but until I “shit or get off the pot”, this is how I will live. And I can not blame the husband on this one, yes we have issues, but until I am willing to stand up, I should just sit the hell down.

INSANITY – will it work?

My glass is always half empty. My glass is never half full when it comes to my life.

Today I did not have internet service, which means,  I was yelling at my computer and my phone because they were not working. I was feeling frustrated and in a bad mood, and mad that I had nothing to do. Although I was at work and getting paid to sit there until a customer arrived, but that is besides the point. I had to think of something else to do with my time, so I decided to write. Was this dumb luck, or coincidence?

I have several reasons for not blogging in a while, if you notice I am not a scheduled blogger. I shoot from the hip or when the moment strikes me.I usually tend to write when I am pissed off. It is either write or explode, writing being the lesser of two evils. Blowing up would cause such a mess.

I don’t want to  re-hash the last month but here is the short version. Four weeks ago, I slowly descended into madness. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I recognized it was happening, I could not stop it, but I could stop how I was going to react to it, and that was a positive step. I did send out a few desperate messages to some friends, but that was all.

I had the sense not to talk to my husband (or he would of died by the hands of his wife) nor did I call my mom (who I would not usually call AT ALL, but I was compelled to call her because I needed financial help, if it came to be that I was going to leave, like I had intended that night!)

I honestly do not feel like going into the details between the husband and I, as it is done, and I am attempting to move on.

I will mention that the morning I started to freak out, I had coffee with a friend who expressed her thoughts to me, and then I ran into a friend, a good friend of mine, and she expressed to me what he had said to her. I am really not even sure he realized how stupid he sounded. All along I think it is me that is losing my mind, I think it might just be him.

A few situations have happened with the kids, and them wanting to become more independent. I find myself defending them and myself, because I do not believe in what he is saying to them. Right or wrong, I can’t let my opinion not be heard or I might implode.

We also had a bit of family drama come to light in the past few weeks. And for the first time, it wasn’t about me. I am the black sheep and not the favorite in the family. I am little to outspoken, to liberal, and do not fit the mold of a Midwest Betty Crocker Housewife. I am more like Roseanne, then Beaver Cleaver’s mom!

Someone in the family had multiple affairs on their spouse. So, yes, you guessed it. Because I am friends with her that can only mean one thing, I am obviously having an affair too? WTF? Makes perfect sense to me don’t you think?

When have I ever done what anybody has told me? I dance to the beat of my on drummer. I told him we could take a lie detector test to settle this. I also let him know she is my friend, and what we talk about is none of his business. Sad really, I have lost my only “friend” in the family. We could commiserate together. Not anymore…damn!

So without going into any more detail the past week has been good, the other three sucked ass! And although being literally physically sick helped me lose a few pounds, I am better off adding those few pounds back on.

Some people might argue that I need to leave. And since I am unsure I am choosing not to, at this time. I have several friends who have made it known to me their opinions, and I absorb everything and I take it all in. I also have no problem with constructive comments. I understand and love them for being concerned enough to speak up. That doesn’t mean I will do as they say, that just means I will listen, and then go and do whatever the hell I want.

I am glad for this mini “freak out” I experienced, I really am. I won’t lie, it scared the hell out of me that night, but it has made me aware of what is really pissing me off in this relationship. It has taught me that my feelings are valid, and I am no longer backing down. I never realized I even was. I always thought I was this strong independent woman. I think I still am, I just think she needs to find the confidence to resurface.

I married him 21 years ago, apparently I got lost somewhere in the mix, and I need to get my GPS system hooked up and find my way back.

I have argued a lot and spoken up when I felt it necessary this past month. I am no longer backing down. I even wanted another dog this weekend and he has always told me no, this time he said, get it if you want it. I almost fell over and then wrote that date down in the history books for safe keeping

Friends would argue I am very out spoken, just not with my spouse apparently. Since my attitude has changed, so has the husband for now. We are by no means lovey dovey, never were. But we are cordial and talking when necessary.

Maybe he is scared of what I might say or do. I am not sure. But I have let it be known that I am not his child and he will not treat me as such.

I also realized, divorce someday down the road or not, I have to do what makes me happy. I need to fix myself before I can work on us. I sincerely believe that. If I do not have self confidence, I am not going to move further in whatever direction I choose!

I am trying to improve my attitude too. Now that doesn’t mean I have stopped bitching. Never, that is just part of who I am.

To the people that know me, that may not seem accurate, but I am trying. I need to like myself and be comfortable with myself, before I can venture out on my own, or be confident that I am willing to work on this marriage.

As I am unsure of both, I have decided to just take it one day at a time. And that is all I can do.

Working outside the home, and finally once again having a bank account of my own at 43 years old, is a big deal. Never in 100 years did I ever think, I would not have my own checkbook with just my name on it. I have gotten lost in the shuffle, I am a wife, mother, daughter, and friend…but where did I go?

However a lot changed when we had kids, and I became a stay-at-home mom. I think that is when the slavery began, and I was thrust out into the cotton fields

I am not sure either one of us was aware it would be taken to this extreme. With all my heart I do not believe my husband intentionally suppressed me. He slowly dished it out, and I took it, it works both ways. I do not blame all of this on him.

I do however blame our current problems on him to a point, so once again I am being a moron, and an oxymoron at that. Ha

I will say that I am looking forward and going to make every attempt to have a fabulous summer.  I just really need to get thru the summer without any massive family changes, for the sake of the kids. I want them to have a nice summer and so do I. My husband gets to see his family and friends whenever he wants. So I think I am due time away on several weekends to meet friends and do as I please!

Working during the week, during the summer, is going to be change enough. I am not sure how many children I will have left standing when it is all said and done. But I hope they all get along well enough to tolerate each other while I am gone. (I don’t think it is going to happen either

Even though my husband does not understand my love of my girlfriends I am going to make every attempt to see them. My plans this summer include, I think, a trip to Las Vegas with some old high school friends. I have also, like I have said before, met some fabulous women on FB who I have become friends with. I wish I could personally meet them all, but I hope to meet a few of them this summer.

I attribute some recent conversations therapeutic, and I think their friendships have put me in a better frame of mind. It is so nice to talk to people, even if for now it is via FB about “life!” I am finding out we are all more the same then different. I have come to value their opinions and their goofy banter.

And with this being a goal of mine, the husband is already pissed. I told him someone was coming to stay with me for a long weekend, the woman I work with on a FB page. I also have plans to visit another friend, we will meet for the weekend and that is only an hour away, seriously if wants to follow me there to make sure I am not meeting a man, he is more than welcome.

I also have big hopes to meet someone who I have become very fond of, I consider her a dear friend, and I hope we can connect sometime sooner, rather than later.

Everyone has a story, and I have become so interested in other people’s lives lately. Makes you feel not so alone, but just different enough to not feel like you are talking to yourself. But I do talk to myself and I do answer myself if you want to know the truth. Even my dog doesn’t listen to me anymore. He has learned to block me out like the rest of the family.

So besides praying for some sunshine, and warm weather, and meeting up with old and new friends, I have decided to take on a personal challenge for myself.

Starting tomorrow I am going to attempt the INSANITY workout. I would start today but the husband did not bring home the 1^st DVD. I am not going to start with the 2^nd DVD like he suggested. Holy hell, I don’t believe I will make it thru the first five minutes.

But I want to do this for me and no one else. I am going to take a before and after picture. Wish me luck. I have a t-shirt that says, I COULD DIE! I think I might have to wear it.

I will end this by saying I having been wondering for the past few weeks why I have not been able to write or blog. I think it is because I let go of all the hatred ( I was feeling last month!) I have not forgotten how it made me feel, but I am trying to not let it eat at me. I tend to express myself better when I am pissed off and half crazy.

But someday I might go back and read this (because I have yet to do that) and it would be nice to see something positive on here.

That is not to say that tomorrow I won’t be on here bitching up a storm. That simply means that today is a good day. And I will take it!

They are few and far between. But I am positive I will be back soon.

Liar, Liar…Pants on Fire

As I had a really good day today, I had no intention of harping on the negative. But I guess in order to move forward with “my story”, I have to let it be known what was said to me on Friday night. Yes, 5 nights ago.

But let me rewind just a bit farther, in order to move forward. Here I go again, three steps forward and two steps back, story of my life.

I saw a friend on Friday. A friend who I had not seen but for 20 minutes at my father-in-law’s funeral a few months prior. But before that it, has been a good two years. We have not spoken much since she has moved. No arguments or disputes between us, life just got in the way, we got busy, and she moved to another state.

So Friday, I was at the video store with the intention of renting some movies, distracting myself from the husband by doing so, and just hang out with the kids. It was Good Friday and they did not have school that day. The battery on my phone had a charge life of about 2 minutes left…. on a good day. Luckily for me, it died right after I got a text from my friend asking if I was home. I was so happy to see her name, I called her back and said I was almost home, I was at the video store. She said I am in town can I come over? Of course you can come over! I was so excited. I finally got to meet her 18 month old son, I was thrilled.

This friend of mine, is also an old family friend of my husband’s side of the family. Her older brother went to school with my husband and they were best friends at one time. Fast forward many years, I end up becoming friends with her at some point in my life.

We were very close during my “Midlife Crisis” tour as I like to call it. I was turning 40, I was miserable and it was just like now but MORE shit, different day. My friend, during this time in my life had no idea where I was coming from. She knew what an abusive and miserable marriage was like (she had lived one), so I did not have that. I was also married to one of the sweetest and helpful men she knew (her whole damn life!) So she had no idea where I was coming from when I would cry or talk to her about my situation.

Life goes on, I move on, she falls in love, gets married, has a baby, and moves to another state. We don’t really stay in touch except maybe a few messages via Facebook, but I know in my  heart of hearts, she is one of my friends. Although vastly different from me in every way, I considered a very good friend and always will.

I let my husband know she is in town. We, as a family, go to her hotel, let the kids swim, talk, etc. We talked a bit earlier in that day when I met  her at my house after I returned from the Video Store. I attempted to fill her in on my life and the changes that myself and my husband were both encountering. She was flabbergasted and although she couldn’t believe it, she was on my side. This to me was really not about trying to have her choose sides, I just wanted her to understand where I was coming from, make sense?

Later that night after my family left the hotel, I stayed for several hours longer and we talked in the lobby. I did most of the talking, but she was a very good listener and had more empathy for me. Maybe because now that she is married to a different man, was a stay-at-home for the first time, and after she heard something her mom told her.

I was flabbergasted to find out that her mom told her that one of our neighbors (who is one of her mom’s best friends) told her that she didn’t like my husband. I was shocked. We have lived in this house 12 years, I would of never thought that in a million years. We have block parties and converse, etc. etc.

Come to find out that last year my husband made a comment or two about me, the she either overheard was told directly (that I am unsure of), regardless whatever he said put a bad taste in my neighbor’s mouth. My husband made it sound like (this is just how I remember the conversation from last week and my friend was also unclear of what was actually said) but it alluded to the fact that he said something like, what was I bitching about, I had everything I needed, i.e. jeans or something and I was taken care of.

Side Note: Someone in my family has money, and they have helped us out a great deal. We would not have the house or cars we have if it wasn’t for this person…IN MY FAMILY, so don’t preach about giving me everything I need, when you have me chained to the basement of a house that we didn’t pay for all by ourselves. That is all I am saying.

The moral of this story is. Whatever words were exchanged between my neighbor and my girlfriend’s mother, were enough to make my friend reconsider and possibly think about this situation I am having from a different perspective, and for that I am grateful. I am also shocked that my neighbor felt this way after hearing him talk. It made me think once again, maybe I am not the crazy person around here…he is. If you only knew me you would know that I don’t want or ask for much regarding materialistic things. I don’t care about houses, cars, clothes. I want laughter,and love, and friendship, and sunshine, lots and lots of sun…and I am a happy woman if given those four things.

I returned around 1 am with a very happy heart and thankful for the time I had with my friend. It was great to see her. I however came home to my husband who was on my computer. And oddly, he was awake. 1 am is early for me, not so much for him. He had been going thru my emails and my pictures that I save and use on my Facebook pages. He started questioning me and harping on me.

We started talking about my trip to Las Vegas in July. That was when he said, I do not believe (that said person) is buying your ticket to Las Vegas this summer. You have lied to me before and you are doing it again. I said, Mother Fucker say what? He said, I read your emails (4 years ago….4 years ago I not only went to Vegas on my Midlife Crisis tour I also went to Colorado with my best friend here at the time and introduced her to some very important people in my life, two friends from high school.

Anyway, he accused me of paying for my friend’s ticket and lying and saying she paid for it. I remember buying my friend’s ticket and putting it on my credit card but she paid me the money for the ticket. He said I know this because I read your emails. I told him he was an asshole for going thru my shit. I was not buying the ticket for my Vegas trip, a very generous friend offered because she knew he would say no. He told me that anything I do financially can ruin this family, etc. I again said he was an asshole, told him I was not talking to him and I turned my head towards the TV and turned up the volume. He went up to bed without saying a word. I was so angry. I knew he was going thru my stuff four years ago, which leads me to believe that he is going thru my stuff again.

PARANOID comes to mind. As I type this the blood is pumping thru my veins like water in a hose trying to put out a fire. Shit, I need that hose because I can feel the steam coming off my head as I write this. I do not trust my husband any farther than I can throw the son of a bitch and apparently he does not trust me.

I sat downstairs and pondered on the conversation a bit. Sent my friend that I had just spent the evening to a message thanking her for the nice time and sharing a few more things with her that I did not intend to share. Very few people know a few things I shared and I thought it only fair to her, since she was kind enough to listen to me all night. I wanted to fill in some of the gaps and be honest about where I was coming from in all of this. I felt better getting what I said off my chest, and I am hoping she understands me better!

With that being said, I eventually went to bed, but didn’t sleep well at all. My husband made me so mad, I than started thinking of other things that started to make me angry, and I did not get much sleep that night. I woke up having to pick up kids, my son having baseball games (which the husband went took him to. Thank god it got him out of my hair most of the day), I took my daughter to softball practice, etc.

That Saturday night my husband took the kids to his sister’s house, I of course did not want to go, I stayed home and thought some more. Milk might do a body good, but thinking is hell on the brain and the body. I just continued to get more mad over everything in my life.

But Sunday rolled around as always, I can play the game. I woke up, my husband wanted to go to the store and he wanted me to go with him. I obliged and said okay, we went to the store together, it was fine. Avoided him most of the day. Monday night he rolls into my son’s baseball game late after work, I looked at him…and found him cute.

Do you know how bad that pisses me off. I do not want to find him attractive. I have not in a very long time. And it is more his attitude towards me that makes him ugly to me. Maybe I wanted sex who knows, but for the first time in a long time I found him to be handsome. All I could think was What The Hell?

After finding him cute Monday night I got mad when I found out later that he had my whole day planned for the that next day. I took off of work so I could take our three kids to the movies. It turned in to 6 kids (adding in their 3 cousins!) What made me mad was he told the kids what time the movie was, were and when were going. I would of had no problem with it but my instinct to attack kicks in and I got mad. And I asked him why once again are you telling me what to do? He asked me to tell him what I had planned. I said I didn’t, but for you to come in here with the kids having specific instructions leads me to believe that you don’t think I can handle or do this. I ended up doing what he wanted, only because it allowed my son to go to the early movie and than make his high school baseball game. But my skin started to crawl when my children actually told me the plans I HAD FOR THEM that next morning. Makes me once again feel like a damn child.

Tonight he isn’t home my daughter has softball practice. Before he left he wanted me to stand up. I asked He said because I want to squeeze you and kiss you. I turned around and looked to the left and the right before I said who are talking to? He said you, now stand up. He had my hands in a wrist hold and I couldn’t move. Don’t mess with me, I will do whatever it takes to get out of a “binding” situation, and he wanted a kiss from me before he left for practice. I said you want me to stand up and hug and kiss you? He said yes. So I did it. Just to make him happy and just because again, he had on his sunglasses and he looked so handsome. I am starting to question my mental status about this time. What are the chances 2 days in a row I would find him handsome, even when I don’t even like him.

While going or growing thru this weird process we call life I did a lot of thinking about other things besides my husband and our problems. I started questioning every relationship I am currently having issues with. I was feeling sad and broken hearted over one friend, and pissed off at another friend.  Can’t we all just get along??? Apparently not. The key word that is in all these sappy friendship stories that have torn themselves apart for whatever reason is always the same word ME! I am the key word!! The missing link. The mole so to so speak.

I also started questioning why people are put into our lives. And what if you don’t want someone to leave your life or they are not in it in the capacity that you would like them to be. Do you fight the power or do you conceded and see where the chips may fall? Do you fight feelings you are having, or do you just allow them to lay dormant until the next round.

I was feeling very abandoned and lonely after last week in regards to some friends and now this conversation with the husband just was like the icing on the cake. Lots to think about and lots to think about and when I am done thinking, I will think some more!!!

I will end this very depressing story with a happy moment. Two in fact. My girlfriend from last week had a minor surgery which I know she was very scared to have. It all turned out fine, but between that and some family issues, I have allowed myself to become disappointed and made myself aware that I would not be talking to her for a while, possibly. She needs to figure out some shit in her life and so do I.

We drive each other crazy, and I have yet to figure out why. She is not up to talking on the Cell Phone and we briefly exchange messages. One day her meaning in my life will be revealed, so for now I just have to learn how to be patient , and enjoy the ride, dangerous and slow as it may be.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK, I AM A HAPPY WOMAN! My Facebook friends who vanished like Houdini has made her presence known to me today. Brought me to tears. I was so very thrilled to have this woman and her friendship back in my life, hopefully for longer than before. But just her allowing me the pleasure of  knowing she was safe and back home meant a great deal to me. I was happy for the rest of the day. This would be another person who was placed in my life for reasons that have yet to be determined. But I really have an odd connection with this woman, and she might find this odd, but I really, really like her and her calming words of wisdom and honesty. And she is funny and  in a quirky way, which is always a plus in my book. No matter how shitty the rest of my night goes, this person coming back into my life I believe is some sort of sign, of good things to come. My mood was lifted by a simple hello this morning and a good cry tonight (I swear I am hormonal and having a baby, and I am not having sex and do not have a uterus, so this should be interesting.)

I will have more to share by this weekend I am sure. Never a dull moment.

And a special heartfelt thank you for the person who told met to SHUT THE FUCK UP and blog. Muah! xoxoxo

Megaphone

You can not fix a broken car, if the car has been stolen. You can not do the laundry, without laundry detergent. You can not brush you hair, if you are bald. You can not acknowledge a problem until you say it out loud. And not to yourself, and possibly not even to a friend.

You need to stand on a platform, or a rooftop, and use a very large megaphone so everyone in the neighborhood can hear you.

Or you can break down and call your mother. Really not sure which one is more humiliating.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not good at making a long story short. I like to ramble, not use proper punctuation, and spew whatever is going on in this crazy head of mine. I am also a tad bit ADD, and sometimes I…..oh look, a rock YOU get my point. So if I tell you a story will be short, chances are I am lying.

So the long story short is: My mother and I were best friends, she had me at 17 and was in High School. We grew up together. I have a sister, but that is a whole other story you do not have time for. My mother and I were best friends….until I turned 40. I started to change, my husband started to change, my life starting falling apart. And the best part of all of that was…………my mom just happened to be there when it was all happening. And after a few days of a big giant build up, and her deciding she didn’t like my attitude, she ripped me a new asshole, cause we always need two. Three excuse me, I am married to one. Things have been rocky ever since. This July will be 4 years that this incident occurred.

I do not call my mom. Not because I don’t love her. But because if I call her that means I have to talk to her, and if I talk to her, than I have to tell her things, and she doesn’t need to be worried or bothered by my shit. I am also still holding a four year grudge, which by the way is not good for your health. Just a helpful little tip.

I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV….squirrel!

Last Monday morning before work I called my mom, mainly out of guilt because I have not talked to her in a while. I knew I was going to email her regarding some financial situations that I may be facing in the future. I wanted her to know, that if I was to get any money what so ever, I did not want my husband’s name on anything. I for some reason felt compelled and got the guts up to just tell her.

I like to write, I don’t like to talk about things like this. I hate to cry, and if I talk about things, I cry, I make the person I am talking to feel bad and I hate that. But I was so pissed off at my husband that I realized I had to tell my mom. (I did go home this Christmas and I gave her a brief synopsis of my married life, and let her know why I don’t talk to her very much!) That was a fun conversation, wish you could of been there.

I had a conversation the day before regarding my life, with my girlfriend (the one who magically vanished on Facebook), and I have this conversation all the time with several other close friends as well. I am a bit OCD too by the way. SO I like repetition…obviously. I keep making the same dumb mistakes over and over again, without getting any results. Or the results I want anyway. But if I am smart enough to know that I am not doing anything different, so what do I expect? If I do not know who I am, how do I expect my husband to understand me?

Good god what the hell was I even talking about? Oh yeah, my mom. SO I said to my  mom, if I am to ever come into money I would like that to be in my name only. My mom understood. I also explained to her, and because I don’t go back and read what I wrote, I may have already disclosed it, but I will say it again.

Apparently, after 21 years….I am unable to do the grocery shopping. I am not disabled and I enjoy going to the store alone. But Hitler has taken it upon himself to now do the grocery shopping. I am Gluten Free so I have to go and do that shopping myself. He now feels he can do it better than I can. However, one day last month, I needed a check for groceries. Being without a job and being a stay-at-home mom does not bring in a paycheck, so I have to ASK for money. (One of the many issues I have with this marriage!) So I didn’t really want to tell my mom this because I knew she would flip out. But at the same time I wanted her to know so she understood where I was coming from.

He was kind enough to leave me a check. I of course assumed it was blank, why would it not be??  Yeah, I wondered the same thing. Nope!  This check was made out to the grocery store, and had a specific amount already filled in. It is very difficult to shop when your check is already filled out. So I brought my very smart 13 year old son with me to help me add it all up. When I do math, 2 plus 5 = shiny object!!!

A few days later Hitler is in in a pissy mood, because we didn’t have any money. Apparently that was my fault. Why wouldn’t it be? I am also the reason there is Global Warming, we have high Gas Prices, and I invented Christmas too, so every year he can bitch about that and act like this is all news to him that we have to spend money and buy gifts.

He explains the reason we have no money is because he just paid off a bunch of medical bills. Which were all mine. Not all, but most of them were. So he started going down the list. He didn’t mention when my son had his ear infection, or my daughter had bronchitis, but he was kind enough to point out the appointments I had (and there were several because they thought it was my gallbladder), I had Gastroenteritis for 10 days. He also proclaimed, because apparently I do not understand. “You do realize that when you go to the doctor’s office, it cost money?” Where I kindly replied, with much appreciation in my voice, “No, do they? I am so glad you just explained that to me, thank you!” These are just a few examples of some of the control issues I am struggling with. I am not a child.

I hate being talked down to, and please don’t tell me what to do. I will do the opposite just to spite you. So this past Saturday (two days before I had the conversation with my  mom) I woke up in a really bad mood. I went into our bathroom to take a shower, he was in there, I said get out, he said come in, blah, blah, blah. Well I start going off regarding something he said and I told him to stop treating me like a child. I said people often ask me why I am still with you. He said, if you want a divorce leave. I also said, you do not realize how often I find myself defending you. (I do take a 50/50 responsibility in the breakdown of our communication!) He said obviously you are telling people things and lies. I said no, people are just observant and you would be surprised at what people pick up on. I was fired up. Pissed at a message I had gotten on FB put me over the edge, and for some reason I went into bitch mode.

Here is the funny part. My husband finds me not funny, not amusing, does not like my sarcasm or sense of humor. As I am throwing a hissy fit, he starts laughing. He says, your funny. I said what? He said you are funny. What the fuck? Now you want to laugh? I was being totally serious and he thinks I am funny. He and I have a long distant relationship. I live in the Midwest and he lives in the Land of Denial.

His only saving grace right now is that he knows that I talk a big game, yet I don’t make a move, so I usually lose the game. I have sent him numerous letters, one last month in fact saying that I was miserable, and maybe he should move out, does he love me, etc.? He has yet to ever acknowledge one thing I have ever written to him. Mind you he doesn’t like to communicate that way. But I do, it is easier for me. I don’t care if you don’t agree with what I said. But let me know you read it and are hearing me. Which goes back to the whole big giant white elephant that lives in our house. Or the stupid law that against Gays in the Military, DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL!!!

With Spring and Summer approaching we will find ourselves being very busy (when are we not?), so with me working part-time, his job, three kids, playing three sports and traveling, we don’t see each other much. Thank god. That would mean we would have to talk. I really have nothing to say.

Yes I do and I hate to say it. I think I have fallen out of love with this man, or maybe I love him, but don’t like him, which to me is almost worse. However he has me cock blocked because I do not have an income or a degree to fall back on. I should of planned my life out a little differently. However I did not realize we were both going to change so much. And I never would of assumed that after 21 years of marriage I would consider leaving. But as a child I never dreamed of getting married and having kids. Luck of the draw I guess. Time to fold and walk away.

Till death do us part? Good lord, he is lucky to be alive most days. 21 years is a long time. After 21 years people change. I have changed more than I ever thought possible, and so has he. The problem is that I have no problem admitting it, he will not admit he is changing too.

So right now, as to not stir the pot (I hate to cook anyway) I am laying low. I do not want to upset my children by leaving  and I don’t have the means at this time anyway, it is really not an option. I am not malicious, and I would hate to go to court to take half of everything he has, that is not how I want to play this game. We also live in a very small town. That would be hell on the whole family. We would be under a microscope by this community, literally. Not fair to the kids. But is being miserable fair to the kids? I don’t think so. No win situation.

I know I am not happy, therefore he can not be happy. So there is my last few weeks in a nutshell. And if you are allergic to peanuts I apologize, should of thrown a disclaimer in here about me being a bit nutty.

So saying out loud to my mom, I was unhappy and hated the way I felt, and that I am only here for the kids and lack of money, just really hit me hard last week. But at the same time it was liberating and I got this new I don’t give a shit attitude.

I have been avoiding housework, because obviously he does it better anyway. I don’t have to go the grocery shopping, score another point for me. I have been sticking to my new way of eating and hitting the treadmill everyday. As long as I can be happy with myself I am hoping that he can’t tear me down. He always does, but Spring and Summer are upon us and I want to make it a good one. Not sure what that means and I am not sure what I am going to do. But I am not going to be miserable. I can play the game. I took drama class in High School.

Again, these are the things that have been running thru my mind the past few weeks. Hell, the past 4 years. Not sure why now I have decided to just go with it and not fight it.

As Peter Brady once sang, “When it’s time to change…..then it’s time to (insert puberty stricken 12 year old boy voice) CHANGE!!”

~~Peace~~

FACEBOOK!!!

I have not been on line due to the fact that my brain is in a perpetual swirl of confusion. I do not want to get on here and bash my marriage and I am trying not to be nasty. A few conclusions became very clear to me on Monday, but I do not want to go into that.

However at the same point I need to vent… and I fill in the blanks from the past few weeks,l later. But today I don’t feel like “going there!”

Today I want to talk about Social Media and Facebook. The demise of my marriage and the rebirth of myself, Oxymoron I know. But that is apparently how my life ebbs and flows.

To the regular person Facebook is a way to communicate with long lost friends and family. You are allowed the freedom to post pictures of your family, that usually are not being seen by people in your life that do not live near you. I am always happy to see my friend’s families and kids. I gauge how old I am getting by their kids, not my own.

At one point in my life (when I turned 40 and had the infamous Midlife Crisis) Facebook turned out to be my lifeline. I found old friends from high school that otherwise I would not of located and I made new friends with people I went to school with but never really knew in class. (They helped me thru some really hard times.)

Funny how you can become best friends with people you grew up with, and didn’t go to school with, but didn’t really “meet”, until you were 40. I guess it was meant to be! Possibly had we been friends when we were younger, maybe our friendship would not be as beneficial today, or even exist, had we been friends when we were younger.

My husband is not a fan of Facebook, due to the fact that it is my escape so to speak. But I probably spend more time on the computer than the average Facebook person only because I have found a whole new “underground” world so to speak. I feel at home and I honestly found what I think is my “Land of Misfit Toys”, if you are not quirky, have issues, or have some kind of illness, you need not apply! LOL

I currently own one Facebook page, which I am in charge of. I co-admin on a fabulous page that I love. And I help two friends on their two pages when I can. Facebook is like the NYSE, but with no money exchanging hands. It is serious business to a lot of people, and numbers are very important, i.e. likes. Eventually if you have enough likes at some point there is some extra money to be made. I believe in an advertising sense, but I am not sure, so please do not quote me.

I do it because I enjoy it. I love to make people laugh and it has also become an addiction of sorts. To see your page jump from 5,500 fans to almost 9,000 in under two months is a rush. It is like hitting the jackpot on the penny slots in Las Vegas, with no payout. It also affirms to me that I can make people laugh and people enjoy what I have to say. Apparently something I am lacking at home. My husband does not find me funny which I have mentioned before. My sarcasm is to much for him. He doesn’t get me at all. But I have found a group of people that do, and if they don’t they are really good liars

Sidenote: I did go ape shit on my husband this Saturday, and when I was dead serious about a few issues, he started laughing and said I was funny! (WTH?) Yeah, really funny honey!

Enough about him. I did want to talk about the bonds that are formed on Facebook. Everyone is so hesitant and always telling me to be careful because people who are not who they say they are or proclaim to be. And I understand and get their point. However from the point of an Administrator or Owner of a Facebook page, you get to see if from a whole other different side.

You are in Page Owner Sharing Groups, Support Groups, etc. You befriend Admins and they will share your page and in return you share yours. There is a bond formed that you would never understand unless you were in this little “Underground World!”

I have met some of the most incredible, fascinating, messed up, hot, beautiful people in the world. Much more supportive then a lot of people I know in the real world. You have a problem, shoot off a message to your Facebook family or in one of your groups, and you will usually be promptly addressed by someone almost immediately!!!

There are numerous support groups on Facebook that I do not even think people are aware of from Mental Illness to Sex Groups. You have a problem or a desire, you will find somewhere to fit in this weird little world. Much more to Facebook then meets the eye.

I decided to write today about Facebook because my heart was crushed yesterday, and it just caught me off guard. So I felt the need to get on the defensive and defend Facebook. Friendships are real, and people bond, and when you end up talking to people at all hours of the day and night you really do get to know someone. Good and Bad!!! You make a legitimate friendship.

I have a Facebook Admin/Owner who befriended me last year. Two totally different people (she and I) totally different ages, and living on opposites of the world. She is in her 20′s and attends college and lives in another country. We live different cultures and customs and I don’t know how or why we became friends, but we did. She is a wise, smart, beautiful young woman (who I was shocked to find out was in college and so young!)

Well, we were friends and would talk here and there and last year she just left Facebook. Her pages were still there, obviously being run by other people. Continually wondered where she went though. Out of the blue a few months ago I get a message…from her, asking how was I was doing? And she sincerely wanted to know how I was doing. She has an odd 6th sense, I would say two words, and she instantly knew something was wrong. I almost think she has magic powers.

So we started a friendship (with the 5 hour time difference!) I was schooled on customs and religions and clothes and the beautiful scenery. I was shown numerous pictures of her country, and it was nothing like I had ever imagined. I also can not imagine being in a country where it is forbidden to drink, smoke, etc. I became a sponge over the past few weeks and was just so curious about their music, school, religion, etc.

We formed a bond and every night I looked forward to just talking about our day. I would bitch about my family, I think I did most of the talking, due to the fact that I appeared to be the one with most of the “issues” so to speak.

A few days ago she shared with me that she needed to get off of Facebook because she felt like she wasn’t being true to herself and her religion (not said in those words, but you get the gist!)

We had a very wonderful conversation on Monday night ( a very eye opening conversation.) On Tuesday morning when I turned on my computer, this time I could sense something was wrong. She simply was sending me a message to say goodbye. I honestly thought she was saying goodbye because she was on Spring Break and maybe taking a holiday or going back to school.

Sadly, I was wrong, she was leaving Facebook once again to continue on with her life. She would be back eventually but didn’t know when.  It was a very odd, punch to the gut reaction I had. Only because I thought it was something I had said the night before (it wasn’t), I did come to find out that she said goodbye to several people and shut down her accounts.

I felt yesterday that I lost a really good friend, who never judged any of my wacky thoughts or crazy stories. I was so into our conversations I was sharing pictures with my kids of her country and my son wanted to know if she liked Adele and Nicki Minaj (Ha Ha!) And she did say yes. So she made his good list.

But yesterday when I could not send her a reply because all her accounts were deactivated for the time being, I just started to cry. I know she was having issues and struggling with life and it was like a magic trick. She told me to go out and live and be happy and be good and then POOF….she was gone. I really was just very, very, sad yesterday.

My point of that story was, you can make connections with people on Facebook almost better than you can in person. Some people are shy, some people have bi-polar, some people have high anxiety and don’t like public speaking. Some people are just more comfortable talking via computer than in person. And when most of the people you meet don’t live down the street from you, this is the best way to communicate. I have met people all over the country, who otherwise I would of never had gotten to know. We are all more similar than not!

I have met several people on Facebook that I know will be friends for life. I have met them in person. One even stayed at my house for a week in February. And we only knew each other via Facebook, she helps me on my page. We had never even spoken in real life. My children loved her and my husband did too. We are forever bonded.

I met one Admin I worked with last year, mid way between her house and mine, and we had a blast. She is one of my best friends. I have befriended a person who I have yet to meet (but am dying to see in person) she was put in my life for some reason, and maybe one  day we will figure out why. But I love and adore her and I have not even met her yet. Funny tho, we fight argue like siblings, makes me laugh! I am also more than likely going to hook up with the woman who runs the new page I am Co-Admining on. We have a lot in common and laugh a lot. That will be a blast.

You end up texting and talking on the phone to people you Admin with. So I wanted to give a positive spin on Facebook today because lately I hear so many negative things about it. It is an outlet for some, it is a way to express ones feelings, and it is a way to connect with people that you may otherwise have not had the chance to meet.

Squirrel…….Oh wait, one more example. A woman who I met in a sharing group has a beautiful page. Nothing like mine. She was very kind to me when my father-in-law was dying a few months ago. Sent me fabulous messages that made me smile. Still not sure what she saw in me. She is smart and interesting, and nothing like me. I recently found out she somewhat knew our mutual Facebook friend, the one who left Facebook yesterday.

I sent her a quick message and said did you know (so and so left) and if you ever hear from her please tell her to contact me. I also told her I was crying and it just hit me hard. My cell phone rings yesterday, didn’t recognize the number (afraid it was a bill collector) but since it was not an 800 number I picked it up. And it was this fascinating woman. I had a voice to the page and the positive messages I had admired. We spoke for almost an hour (and I would of continued the conversation) but I had children needing things…..like dinner. (Those damn kids, why do they need to eat and be picked up from ball practice? Don’t they know I am talking here?)

Another example of a fabulous person I met on Facebook who is real. I explained the phone call to my husband, but I did not go into details about my friend that left Facebook because I knew he would tell me to leave as well. He appeared to not have any interest in the stories I was telling him about her life, I was just awe struck. She kicks some serious ass in my book. There are so many awesome people out there.

If we all just stopped and said hello to each other, even on the street, I am sure you would meet your soul mate, or best friend or just a really cool person with a story. I know everybody has a story. Just not everyone is willing to tell it or is ever asked to share it. People just want to be heard.

I have made friends, mentors, crushes, and most importantly I have laughed…a lot! These people are damn funny. And you have to be in order to survive in this odd world of Facebook pages.

I guess instead of bashing on my marriage today, I just wanted to defend the only thing that currently brings me joy (besides my kids when they are not killing each other or my dog.) It is cold and ugly outside, and I need sun and fun and until then (and after too) but Facebook is what I do. I don’t get paid, and don’t they say that you would do what you loved even if you didn’t get paid, just because you love it so much? That would be me. I love my non-paying job.

It is on my bucket list to meet several other people I have met on this journey and I am hoping one day I will get to do so.

I did miss getting on line this morning and not saying good afternoon (when it was morning here) to my friend. I so wish her peace and I hope she finds it. If she is truly happy and finds whatever it is she is looking for I will be thrilled. She needed to do some soul searching and I get that.

Hoping one day she contacts me again……

And as far as Facebook and Social Media, the husband doesn’t believe in it, but I don’t think he really has a choice. This is all our children know and this is the future. So today instead of defending my motives to possibly end my marriage I felt like jumping on my soapbox to defend my computer, so to speak, if that makes sense. I would like to think about something other than my marriage.

It just felt good to get that all off my chest. No one could read this and I would be fine with that. But I was feeling this overwhelming urge to implode. And now I don’t.

Well, until I go home and the husband or my dog looks at me the wrong way then I might get mad and blow up

Wishing everyone a peaceful day! xo

Be Careful What You Wish For

So, I had the fabulous come to Jesus moment regarding my house and my life. Well, either all the stars were in alignment or the husband just couldn’t take it anymore. Actually, when he is in a bad mood….he likes to clean.

Wish I liked to clean when I was in a bad mood. My house would be spotless. I have to share with you my husband’s traits. He is very organized, clean, almost military like (he was in the NAVY), he does not like clutter or junk drawers. So now that you have a picture of what he is like. Just imagine me as the total opposite.

I know they say opposites attract, but seriously who knew we had nothing in common. The Obama and The Romney signs in our front yard sort of gave us away…. ha!

So Hitler (my husband) came in the house like a man on a mission yesterday at 12:30. That is when our world stopped for 24 hours. Now, I was not in the mood for being told what to do, and not by  him. My kids were wanting to go out and play (of course it was the weekend), my kids seriously do not know how lucky they have it.

Hitler got all of his little Nazi’s in order and started barking out orders. Eva Braun (that would be me) stayed downstairs for 8 hours and did laundry, washed, dryed and folded. Hitler stayed upstairs cleaning with the kids. About once every 30 minutes a child would scream or cry or get into a fight. It was a horribly long day. But I will give it to Hitler, he gets the job done and no one can get in his way. I have no say in this house. I let the kids over run me for so long that they don’t believe me when I threaten them anymore than my husband does.

So although I was miserable as Fuck yesterday, I applaud him for taking some action, because apparently I was to overwhelmed to start, let alone finish this arduous task. Finally at 11:30 he went to bed and the kids followed shorty there after. So we spent 11 hours cleaning yesterday.

For some reason my son wanted to sleep in my room, so I took his room. Never a bother to me. I enjoy sleeping alone and I don’t have to listen to anyone snore. I came upstairs about 1:30.

But I was woken up this morning by the vacuum cleaner…running again. The man is like the Energizer Bunny for god’s sake. He never stops. And he wonders why our daughter has ADHD, he is just as bad, if not worse!!! The kids are tired of working and exhausted and hungry, as there is no food in this house. I can’t eat because I have to go back to my Gluten Free Diet and there is nothing in here I can eat.

I had a few beers yesterday (due to the stress of Hitler), I prefer Vodka but we didn’t have any. And I ate a bagel which is just wrong. I feel like a swollen monster, and I feel really gross actually. So today I vow to start the Gluten Free and Yeast Free diet again. Might as well, nothing in the house to eat anyway. I will just drink water all day and hope to get rid of my Fred Flintstone hands and feet by morning.

There is still a lot to do. I am not done with the laundry. You know the saying, It takes a Village to raise a child? Well, my family could clothe a small village. Damn, where did all these clothes come from, I know we all wear the same thing every day. But if I can spend ten hours doing laundry we have a serious problem. I think they took everything out from under their beds, in their closets, and even if they haven’t worn them they were thrown in the dirty laundry pile. I am boycotting laundry today. Hitler can throw Eva in jail, I don’t care. Actually, I beg that of him. Peace and Quiet for a few hours would be great.

We did have to go thru hell yesterday, but in hindsight I am so glad that my husband realized that I was not going to get this done and he took the lead. I don’t like the way he gets on the kids sometimes, but that is my issue. At least he gets them to get things accomplished. Even if it is out of fear.

My only complaint, and I rode his ass for this, but he found nothing wrong with it. I asked him not to go under my side of the bathroom sink, I know it is unorganized but it is my crap. He doesn’t listen very well. He took everything out and went thru all my shit. I was super pissed. Is nothing sacred in this house? Apparently not. His belief if you are not hiding anything, what is the problem?

I would say you are the problem dip shit! Anyway, he finally took the kids out to get some lunch. I didn’t go because there is nothing I can eat. I need to start making my own food again. I am on a mission to lose 15 pounds by my Birthday. Memorial Weekend.  I believe we might go “as a family” to the park and take my crippled dog. Between his leg and my bad back, it should be lots of fun. Normally I would stay home and chill or Facebook.

But he did get the job done, and he did ask me to go. So I have to say yes. He got the upstairs finished, minus all my clothes that he didn’t know where to put. And my question, why do I have so many damn clothes? I wear the same thing everyday.

Mother Nature is teasing us today, and the weather man says it is going to be 66 degrees. Big change from our snow day last week. So I think I will take Fatty (my dog) to the park and let him run away. Just gave him some pain medicine, hopefully he will have some fun.

So once this house gets in order, I am sure it will take me a week between work and the kids (meaning the downstairs), next weekend the house should be done. We are going to need a plan, a schedule and a chore list.

Once the house is in order, my life is the next thing  I have to get in order.

The weekend sucked, and was productive. So I shouldn’t complain!

Wishing you all a nice Sunday.

~Peace~

Oh My God!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I just had a come to Jesus moment in my bathtub. Don’t confuse that with, I just had a cum to Jesus moment in my bathtub;-) That would of been nice, but that is not what I am talking about.

I have been taking a bath every morning because my back is killing me. I usually go upstairs, get in the tub….and bring my appendage with me, I mean my phone. Yes, if I can’t take my laptop into the tub without ruining it, I will have to bring my phone. Who doesn’t need continual social media while they are trying to take a bath and calm down or chill out?

Ironically, I misplaced  my phone. This is where my story begins. The water is running, I thought I turned on the fan to the bathroom. (I really do continual noise, I do not like peace & quiet. It makes me nervous. So I am frantically running around my bathroom and bedroom, wrapped in a towel looking for my phone. I run downstairs and can’t find it, look under the dog, nope not there. Go back upstairs where I almost have a panic attack. Yes, over a phone! Don’t judge!

I get into the bathtub (it is a jacuzzi tub so it takes a while to fill up), I turn off the water…..and I don’t hear the fan. I start to cringe a little inside, realizing that I am more OCD than I had thought. I am used to a routine, and noise, and I am thinking now what do I do? Should I read, or should I just relax? My version of relaxing is not the average person’s means of relaxing. I sat in the tub trying to rub my jaws back into gear so I could open my mouth. I have been clenching my teeth so bad, my face was hurting. (Long story but I have shattered all of my molars due to clenching and grinding…not fun, losing teeth.

Anyway, I have no phone and I have no fan to distract me, what should I do? I start to look at the mess I have made in the bathroom. Which gets me to ask myself, how in the hell did  my house get so out of control? There is a mess in every room. I have yet to finish anything that I start. My car is disheveled and full of papers and magazines that are just taking up space. As I am laying in the tub, I start to feeling like I can’t breathe. Due to the overwhelming feeling I am getting of just not being in control.

But my ” Come To Jesus Moment ” came to me when I started to associate my house to my life/marriage. Out of control, not organized, not enough  time and care put into it, no routine, no boundaries, I just don’t give a shit. Or possibly I give a shit so much that I am paralyzed over all that needs to be done so I ignore it.

Don’t you love to clean out a closet, and just stare at it? Well I do anyway. I am usually cleaning out closets waiting for the nearest skeleton to fall out or for someone to “come out” of the closet. My problems are a result of my unorganized house, or vice versa. Regardless, they are a mirror of each other. And I need to get both situations in order before I can move on. I was so busy running around doing nothing, I have not sat quietly and thought about anything. I know I use the Social Media as a distraction from my real life. It is easier than taking control and responsibility of your life. I complain about my husband living with blinders. I am doing the same damn thing.

So as I am sitting there in the tub I close my eyes and I hear birds. It made me smile. I used to hate the sound of birds. I don’t really like birds. But the sun was shining in the window and the birds were singing and for one minute I had a glimmer of hope that I was going to be okay. And it doesn’t hurt that when the birds sing in the Midwest it means Spring is near!!!

Had the fan been on and my phone been in my hand, I would of not noticed the birds, or the sun, or the mess that is enveloping me to the point of suffocation.

I need a clear head and a clean house before I can move forward.

What I really need is a sister wife. One to clean my house, one to attend to my husband, one to take care of my kids.

I will take some responsibility, I will take care of my fat beagle!!!

I realize I need to be pr0-active and start getting some shit accomplished around here. My inner moral is squashed and I need to feel accomplished. I am hoping that if I make a list and start marking some goals off the list, that will inspire me to continue on my quest to find clarity. And maybe some socks and some shoes we can’t seem to find.

All of this was a result of me not finding my phone. Maybe I need to sit back and listen to the birds more often, maybe they have been guiding me all along. But I always have my bullshit shields in (Ipod) so I am not hearing their song!

Toodles ~